start of days

01Jan10

I was meant to share my new blog link today and start anew.

You see, last week I did what so many of us do when faced with a significant holiday or occasion – I looked back. Blogging, journaling and diary writing makes it so easy to do that – to be back there. Like scent or a song or taste, written words have a powerful ability to make me feel something I’d almost forgotten.

Last New Year’s Eve was void of everything. I had no friends surrounding me, no love to touch, no feast of crab legs smothered in butter, no champagne, no music, no laughs, no hugs, no smiles, no countdown, no midnight kiss, no resolve, nothing.

And I sat here on this blog, a blog I never really wanted to start in the first place – set up to distract people from a train wreck on another blog I was writing – and lied through my teeth that everything was okay.

Lied that I was happy and well and smiling and kept lying about it for at least the first half of 2009. So understand when I say, this blog sometimes makes me feel dirty. It had dirty beginnings and it’s definitely not something I am proud of or want to take to a higher level. I’m proud of some of the things I’ve written here but it’s not a website I would ever tell people about unless I was asked specifically … or put on a business card or resume.

Because I lied to you and myself and the world about how I was really feeling for so long, from the beginning. Many thoughts and feelings were real as well, but to the naked eye – to someone who doesn’t really know me – the entries would be impossible to find because I covered harsh depression and misery so well with smiles, fluff and feigned strength … and with the way I wished so badly things really were.

It’s almost as if I was using this blog to write to certain people, to make sure they knew. Knew what? I don’t know. To prove. Prove what? I don’t know. What I do know is that I sure as heck wasn’t writing this journal for myself even though in every meme I did, I was all, “I don’t even care, I write for me.” See? Bullshit.

There is so much I wish I could have said about my life over the past year, but didn’t. Amazing, I know … because most of my readers know everything; have been along for the entire ride.

And it feels fake sometimes. Fake in that during a week on paper I sound so happy and amazing and all, “OMG! I love my life”, it was one of the worst weeks of my life but I didn’t want to say anything because then people get hurt and others give the worried look and hey, why not write something awesome and maybe if I ignore the problem then it will go away and as long as I write everything is great, then it is.

And that’s the thing about bullshitting. You start believing it yourself if you do it enough.

But no one really knows me, you just know what I write. And while there might be a small, very observant handful of people out there who see right through me, everyone else who took my words for face value has – at one or more points in time in the past year – been duped. And that really stinks; I despise those ‘everything is cakes and pies’ people and to realize I am one of them! Shudder.

The truth is, just when I think everything is up and smooth and going to be okay … and maybe just maybe it’ll stay better permanently and there’s so much hope inside … then it all falls down, yet another piece of me dies inside and I feel like I’ve failed. Again. And then it goes back up so high and falls again so hard. Extremes. It’s a fucked up cycle and one that’s well established and hidden and while nothing has fallen or died in a while now, it’s still a cycle that I’m determined to break in 2010 by being stronger.

So that’s why I started a new blog. Actually, I opened two new WP blogs and then began thinking about evolution – my evolution – and became really confused.

Am I being true to myself to just up and leave?
Is starting a new blog selfish?
Am I going to miss this place?

Whaaat? And then New Year’s Eve came and now it’s New Year’s Day and there’s so much I want to do in these coming days; being online getting a new blog set up is not one of them.

And now I’m just being lazy.

But I guess it’s all part of me, right? The dirty, the lies, the faking and the pasted on smiles. We can’t just up and start new lives or move homes whenever we feel like it in real life, now can we?

So I guess I’m going to stay here for awhile, write in one of my other blogs privately as it’s more of a collection of daily thought, creative energy and commitment/resolve progress and when I do make a move, it’ll be a big one with a self host and design and all that other garbage I couldn’t give a crap about.

Okay, glad we could talk that out

In other news, Happy New Year! I’m a proud member of Team Extreme Resolve in case you weren’t clear on that before. I’ve only ever been successful with any resolution when started on the New Year, so I’ve got all the confidence in the world that I will succeed. Smoking gone, booze gone, 15 lbs gone. Bam, bam, bam. Fuck it, just do it. Or don’t. It’s that simple.

I love my body and curves but these 15 lbs hanging out in the belly and waist areas aren’t healthy. Screw these women preaching “embrace curves” when those curves are created not by nature or genetics but by excessive amounts of cookies, fast food, ice cream, cake, liquor and inactivity – it’s just another eating/mental disorder if you ask me. And where are the women who want to indulge once in awhile and still be generally healthy? In my opinion, a picture of health, activity and occasional indulgences is very sexy – whether that’s a size 4 or 18 – man or woman.

I guess I’m just sick of women trying to make other women feel bad and guilty for wanting to lose weight … like they’re not loving themselves enough. That’s bullshit. I want to lose 15 lbs and the t-shirt I’m wearing right now is XS, but I still want to lose that weight to be healthy. To feel good, alive, sexy, confident and because I love myself. So blow it out your ear and mind your own business; embrace your own curves and I’ll embrace mine and don’t tell me that I don’t love myself for not loving 15lbs of potentially dangerous fat.

30 minutes of exercise, starts today. Everyday. Rain or shine. Walk or run. Sit ups or yoga. Dancing in my living room. Whatever. It’s time to get strong and have some goddamn discipline for once in my adult life.

Smoking is just a completely useless, expensive habit. Gone. Next time I get a craving for a smoke I’m going to suck on a tail pipe, for free.

Drinking as a norm, gone. It’s time to dry out and take a good long look at myself and my life from a different – sober – perspective. I lost too much of myself and my strength at the bottom of a wine bottle last year.

Everyone laughed and jabbed last night when I told them. I’m pretty much cutting out everything that makes me fun and mellow, ha, I’ll show them.

Last night was so good.

There was a point when I stood alone outside and looked in at perfect chaos: ten people sitting, standing, playing and talking. I couldn’t hear what anyone was saying but there was a constant loud murmur, broken occasionally by bursts of laughter and words being shouted across the room. There were toys everywhere … a Christmas tree still up and lit, it’s bottom half stripped of all ornaments … wine glasses being moved out of reach of a newly crawling and climbing baby … bowls of dips and platters of veggies scattered about …

And as I sat there looking in at all of these people – friends, family, kids all growing up together – I wanted to grab my camera but knew that I’d never be able to capture the life I was witnessing, digitally. So I just stayed in my spot, observing from behind the glass, memorizing as much as I could in those few moments alone before rejoining to add more chaos to the scene.

You know? I think I needed to experience a lonely, empty, resolve-free, totally alone January 2009 to fully appreciate the now as much as I am … I’m totally drunk on life. Drunk, I tell ya.

I’ve said it so many places already, but Happy New Year, Happy New Decade!

Regardless of if you’re on Team Resolve or Team Keep on Keepin’ On, I wish you all the best in your journey. And tons of love, laughter, light, health, warmth, healing, inspiration, creativity and passion.

Today and always <3

And if you need help with anything, I insist you call upon me for any inspiration, feedback, conversation, hugs or help you need to achieve your goals and commitments to yourself and your life. I’m here for you and as said in my previous post, I believe.

Filed under: LOVE, heart, self   |  15 Comments

just more

30Dec09

Perhaps it’s a new decade en route that’s turning on these inspiration, change and action switches. I’ve never been a huge resolution or goal setter … I’m more of a drink a bottle of champagne, get ridiculous and throw my full pack of cigarettes off the balcony at midnight kinda gal.

This year is different though. I mean, it’s a new decade with a zero at the end. It’s so big. We’ve got another block of ten solid years now to do shit and look back in the days before December 31, 2019 and go, wow … we did something.

The concept is mind boggling in ways that I can’t even begin to describe, so forgive me if it’s just another year to you. To me it’s massive.

It’s like, okay … I’m done dicking around now. I’ve had my experiences, learned an ocean full of lessons, loved hard, hurt hard, lived hard, played hard, struggled hard and dreamed hard.

Over the span of ten years I’ve accomplished and grown a lot. Girl to woman. Club kid to having kids. Hating myself to loving myself. Walking in the door and going to bed at 6am to walking out the door and going to work at 6am.

I’ve come a long way when I think that at this exact time ten years ago, my nose was inches above a neat line of cocaine a top a glass mirror at the first party of a week long bender in Whistler to welcome in the year 2000.

2000 – 2009. Epic ten years. Fun years. Drunk years. Learning years. Heart swelling and heart shattering years. Broke years. Growing up years. Baby years. Learning to be a mom years. Coming into myself years.

And now it’s time to take all of that wonderous life, put it in bucket and throw it on the fire I have building inside.

A new decade.

Ten years to make magic happen, to travel, to create, to have green plants, to stop talking about it and start putting it into action, to detoxify my body, to drink water and glow, to drink tea, to eat green things, to reduce, to move into a home for my children to grow in, to date this amazing man who seems to adore me, to ask for help from family and friends and stop pretending like I’ve got it all under control all of the time, to continue doing everything hard and with passion, to never smile and say everything’s okay when everything is not okay as I’ve done so much on this blog in the past, to dream the wildest dreams, to carry a notebook and camera and record life as it happens, to kiss more and hug harder and say I love you – I seriously, madly, truly love you – as much as possible, to create good food, to live minimally and without clutter, to eliminate all debt and save money, to become educated, to help you realize your full potential and beauty, to tell you what I see in you, to encourage your passions, to make sure you know you’re significant and that I believe in you and your dreams.

To smile.

I think the world needs more.

More belief in the impossible.
More sleeping to dream.
More beauty.
More plants.
More creation.
More books.
More water.
More action.
More positivity.
More inspiration.
More tea.
More hope.
More soul.
More great love stories.
More peace.
More real.
More glow.
More ease.
More giving.
More helping.
More handwriting.
More sharing.
More forgiveness.
More random acts of kindness.
More saving.
More evolving.
More letting go.
More outside the box.
More hands outstretched.
More adventure.
More understanding.
More breathing.
More unique.
More minimal.
More health.
More green.
More individual.
More passion.

Just more.

I’m going to be more. That’s my resolution.

2010 thru 2019?

‘Tis our decade. Lets make it matter.

Filed under: heart, self   |  13 Comments

best of ‘09 blog challenge – part 3

27Dec09

Okay, I am determined to finish the Best of ‘09 Blog Challenge and today is part three of four. All of it’s details can be found here.

December 18 – Shop. Online or offline, where did you spend most of your mad money this year?

Well, since I have kids this is going to be an extremely boring answer because the truth is, most of my money has gone towards groceries, other essentials and arts and crafts projects for them.

December 19 – Car ride. What did you see? How did it smell? Did you eat anything as you drove there? Who were you with?

Another boring answer. I’ve been thinking of this one forever but since I don’t recall really doing any significant road trips in ‘09 there haven’t been that many memorable car rides aside from the journeys to local lakes, beaches and family attractions. Always fun and exciting, but not entirely notable.

December 20 – New person. She came into your life and turned it upside down. He went out of his way to provide incredible customer service. Who is your unsung hero of 2009?

I guess I’ll say my therapist. She was able to make me feel comfortable and at ease enough to work out some pretty serious mental issues earlier this year.

December 21 – Project. What did you start this year that you’re proud of?

Daily meditation and spirituality. More a way of life, but the act has been very grounding and balancing for me.

December 22 – Startup. What’s a business that you found this year that you love? Who thought it up? What makes it special?

I think I’ll take a pass on this one. I’m sure there’s something but I can’t recall much in my post-Christmas haze.

December 23 – Web tool. It came into your work flow this year and now you couldn’t live without it. It has simplified or improved your online experience.

I’m not really a web tool kinda gal. I’ve found myself gravitating more toward old school styles with lists and notebooks and pens for managing my life. I’ve been trying to reduce my web time a little these past few months and managing anything about it online is kind of against the purpose.

December 24 – Learning experience. What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?

Gee, that’s a loaded question for me. ‘09 has been the most changing year of my life and lessons were had throughout the entire thing. I guess a few highlights:

1. Giving. I’ve learned that if you give yourself and put your heart and soul 100% into whomever or whatever it is – kids, relationship, sex, love, friends, romance, cooking, cleaning, work, writing, taking pictures, family, projects, home, etc. … that you usually get amazing results.

2. Selflessness and kindness are the most beautiful things about a person.

3. Love is the appropriate reaction, most of the time.

4. Regret, worry, grudges and “what ifs” are nothing but useless thought and poison to the mind.

December 25 – Gift. What’s a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?

Forgiveness. It took a very long time to give myself that, but as soon as I did my entire life changed for the better and the world became bright and beautiful.

December 26 – Insight or aha! moment. What was your epiphany of the year?

Every single day holds insight, an aha! moment and hidden epiphany. I can hold a flower or rock in my hand, feel a connection to it and I go, “Aha! This is a part of me and I am part of this” … I can sit in an arena at a concert or game and feel a collective energy and realize that passionate people together are so powerful, alive and beautiful … look up at the moon and stars or feel the heat of the sun and realize that it connects every single person in the world … or how completely insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things … wear a cotton t-shirt and feel connected to humanity by understanding every single being that made wearing that t-shirt possible.

Yes, it’s very weird and wonderful in my head

Every waking moment holds a new epiphany these days. Can’t pick one.

December 27 – Social web moment. Did you meet someone you used to only know from her blog? Did you discover Twitter?

Social web moments? Umm, no. The web isn’t worthy of a ‘moment’ to remember for me. It’s a great and powerful tool, of course, but one I’m trying to/planning to further reduce from my day to day life in order to capture the real life moments with my kids, Colin, family, friends and our environment.

December 28 – Stationery. When you touch the paper, your heart melts. The ink flows from the pen. What was your stationery find of the year?

Mmmm, stationary. Yeah, it’s in the top three of my favorite things in the entire world. I’ll have to go with Moleskine products, hands down. Not a new find this year but it doesn’t matter because no other paper product will compare in quality and creative inspiration. I’m actually jonesin’ to go stock up for ‘10 right now.

Filed under: self   |  3 Comments

magic

26Dec09

As I sit down to write a long overdue post I wonder how do I even begin to explain magic? Which words are fitting to describe something that only myself and twenty family and friends were privy to?

How do I tell you about this fullness in my heart and happiness in my entire being and to whom do I give thanks for the total and complete beauty that was December 24th and 25th?

I don’t know.

There are so many stories to tell, so many thoughts and feelings to share, absolutely heartfelt gifts to mention and thanks to be given to twenty people who contributed to the magic.

I’ve been sitting here for over an hour attempting to write the events of the past few days. There has been so much love, so much giving, so many extra tight hugs, lingering kisses, spontaneous dances under the stars and moon, ridiculous amounts of champagne and wine, so few hours of sleep, so many Tylenol, smiles, laughs, excellent food, hands held and prayers prayed, cooking adventures, broken sinks, sweets, toasts and clinking glasses, music, friends, happy tears and gratitude.

Everyone has just been grateful for the warmth of family, friends and good health. Nothing else matters. We are so rich.

It’s difficult to put into words how full I am at this very moment so I won’t for now and perhaps the stories and pictures will slip out over the weeks. Or maybe they’ll stay inside my heart forever. Right now it just kind of feels like a secret that only twenty people get the know because they were there.

I hope you and your families were able to capture this same feeling over the past few days …

Love and gratitude.

Magic.

Filed under: LOVE, heart, la famille   |  7 Comments