For my body which has stayed – for the most part – healthy, despite the abuse I’ve given it over the years via smoking, drugs, sun exposure, alcohol and food.

For a great group of friends in all aspects of life – online and offline – and for overwhelming encouragement and support during my 200th-ish attempt at quitting smoking. I’ve tweeted when I’ve been weak and had instant words of support. I made a phone call last night when I needed to get out of the house because if I stayed, I’d smoke … and was taken out within the hour. And all of this in the first 3 days of January.

For the belief in myself that this time is going to be the last time.

For a really good, long, uninterrupted sleep last night.

For Colin giving the gift of a sleep-in this morning as well as Callie and Lily giving the gift of breakfast in bed.

For coffee. It’s just become … I don’t know … so much more.

For today’s sunshine.

For an amazing Christmas holiday and having Colin home for 2+ weeks.

For a return to schedule and routine come Tuesday. As much as I’ve loved this holiday … @&^$(!@#*&*&&@! … I need some normalcy.

For you taking time to read my 1600+ word post of the other day and composing these extremely thoughtful, interesting, wise comments.

For learning more about myself – through your eyes.

For the ability to be honest and the strength to commit to always being honest from this point forward; even if it isn’t constantly positive or hopeful.

For knowledge that there are people willing to listen on the days when complete honesty isn’t possible and instead of faking here, I can write or talk to them.

For having nothing to prove anymore.

For fresh starts but not feeling like I have to delete or move away from my history here in order to do so.

For being finished looking back.

For being finished looking forward.

For just being and doing and living.

With authenticity.

This morning, despite forecasts of heavy rain, I woke up to sunshine.

And this morning, despite staying up late to write yesterday’s post, I woke up with an abundance of energy. Not energy to run miles or cook up a feast or de-clutter and organize closets, but creative energy. The kind of energy in which you mentally redesign your home and dream of green plants, candles and twinkling fairy lights around bed frames.

The kind of creative energy that makes a woman want to romance her white spaces and each person who walks into her home.

This morning while bubbling over with creative energy, I read Tara’s blog and reveled in another one of her beautiful photos. You see, Tara takes seriously beautiful pictures of her world and occasionally finds hearts in nature; it’s one of my favorite things in the entire world about her and in my brain I call her art “found love”.

My absolute favorite was her found love in the sky.

After seeing her newest photo and in combination with my own creative energy, I decided that I want a feature wall in my house of found love consisting of Tara’s art, other people’s art and my own art. Every picture will have a story tucked into the back detailing the wheres, whens, who’s and whys; history of the artwork for when I’m no longer here and my girls wonder what was up with mom’s fascination with love.

Later in the day, my Twitter stream began humming with updates and prayers for a blogger I’d never read or known of before and in following the links I learned of a woman, mother of three and friend to many who had fallen ill to a massive stroke the day before.

Regardless of the fact that this woman is a stranger – my heart, energies and soul were transported to her for a brief moment. To her, her children, her husband and her family. Nothing else mattered then but to channel every ounce of light and positive energy I could muster up to members of my human family who were suffering.

And in doing so, so much was put in perspective.

I try to live for this moment only. Very rarely anymore do I think ahead to the next hour, day or month (save for the big kid stuff like grocery lists and planning Christmas, etc.); being in the now has become an incredibly powerful tool and combined with practices of love, compassion and empathy, my life has changed immensely.

Yet to read about a young, vibrant, happy mother falling so ill so fast? It reminded me of just how delicately us humans are woven.

It reiterated the importance of now.

And optimal health.

And love.

So this morning I decided to drop everything and dedicate myself completely to the day and my kids, giving constant gratitude for the fact I had a day, hour and minute with them. I began truly living in the moment, embraced all of that creative energy building up inside and began planning out my legacy – even if all that legacy adds up to is a couple of framed pictures of found love and a blog full of random, wonderful, heartbreak, healing, songs, pictures, love and awesome.

I began embracing my own inner child, all that is my children and their excitement for my brother’s birthday and Christmas and phoned up Colin sporadically throughout the day just to say I’m thinking about you and I love you … because life’s way too short and unpredictable to not to say it whenever you feel it.

And in not focusing on what I might write for tonight’s post, I found total peace in the knowledge that the people I love know it a little bit more. My mind was 100% focused on them when they were in my presence. It’s not like I spend constant time on the internet anyway, but so far this month I’ve spent far too much time consumed with what I’d write everyday to complete this NaBloPoMo task. Why? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’ve been challenged and I’ve written a couple of posts that have touched people … and that’s all I really wanted.

When I write here I want to give something. Not something forced or scheduled or required by NaBloPoMo law. I want to share thoughts of worth and value or something I feel passionately about.

So I’m going to write because I’m inspired rather than challenged and when I’m not writing here I’m just going to love, focus on being the healthiest I can be, create my legacy and beauty in my surroundings and try to hone in on what magical and amazing things I’m meant to do in this life … because I know there’s something important to give and contribute to the world … I’m just not sure of what yet.

Today I discovered a few things: that the weatherman is full of shit … that creativity flows through my veins if I allow it … that creativity feels really damn good … that we’re such fragile and delicate creatures with no guarantees past the breath we just inhaled and that this moment is all we have no matter how young, healthy, vibrant, happy and loved we are … that it’s been a good NaBloPoMo ‘09 run and I’m extremely proud of myself for 18 days of posting … and that there will be no 4th try next year or ever!

Life is wonderful.

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I’m saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

La la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Al la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ha la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is so full of
Ah la la la la la la life is so rough
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is our love
Ah la la la la la

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ha la la la la la life is wonderful
Ha la la la la la life is meaningful
Ha la la la la la life is wonderful
Ha la la la la la life it is…so… wonderful
It is so meaningful
It is so wonderful
It is meaningful
It is wonderful
It is meaningful
It goes full circle
Wonderful
Meaningful
Full circle
Wonderful

I’m writing this post less than 12 hours after my last in an attempt to get ahead of the NaBloPoMo game. The past few years, my demise has always been leaving my posts till the very last minute and panicking. I felt that familiar feeling last night when I posted Day 2 with less than 15 minutes to spare – so no more!

What I know about myself for sure is that early morning is my ideal time of day, so the goal starting tomorrow is to wake up a few hours earlier than normal and do something alone. If it’s nice outside I’ll go for a run … yoga … go to the gym … meditation … write my posts and read blogs … eat breakfast … drink coffee … all in complete silence.

I miss silence … need silence … crave silence.

As I commented on Mary’s post today, silence and sleep are two things I never fully appreciated pre-kiddos; lack of them leaves me feeling frazzled and at wits end by evening.

So starting tonight, I go to bed early.

Starting tomorrow, I wake up early.

Because silence truly is golden …

Do you have moments of absolute silence … is it important to you and your well-being … if so, is it a natural part of your day to day life or have you enforced it?

The more I venture outside of the parenting blog world, my eyes are opening to people doing things – things that are not parenting, writing about it and posting photographs of it.

Disclaimer: In no way am I saying that parenting, writing about it and taking pictures of it is not ‘doing things’ – it’s what I do from 8am to 8pm each day and occasionally in the middle of the night. It’s doing something huge indeed. Throw in there working outside the home and you’re doing something bigger than huge – one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life.

What I’m talking about here are individuals – some have children and some don’t – with passions, dreams, great ideas, baked ideas and LOVES. They’re sort of saying, “Fuck the grind for life, the stereotypes, the way it’s supposed to be” – and they’re actually doing things instead of just talking them to death or settling; constantly moving towards their dreams and goals and nurturing their inner child. They’re thinking and walking a path less taken – one of personal achievement, a life fiery with passion.

As parents, I think we should all be able to look at our grown children in our old age and say they were our greatest achievements – it basically goes without saying that raising our kids is first priority.

But what about our greatest achievements as individuals? Our greatest achievements as people with our own minds, talents and lusts?

Kids go to bed, weekends at Gramma’s, summer camps, they grow, start school, extracurriculars, sports, spend time with friends, sleepovers, go out on weekend nights, graduate, travel, college, move away. And then what?

Nothing for a lot of people – the couple in the coma. The man’s reading the paper and the woman’s looking at her food and into space. Not a word or eye contact is exchanged – yeah, we all know them and I find them painful to watch. They’ve just run out of things to say to each other because they stopped evolving their individual ages ago. And sadly, that’s acceptable for so many people.

On the other hand, these people I’m observing – they’re in motion – thinking, doing, creating and discovering. They’re electric; you can practically feel their energies through their words; you’re in their heads witnessing the sparks and light bulbs. You know the person you’re reading – the individual and their passions are constantly evolving and growing rather than becoming lost and withering.

They’re the couple sitting at the restaurant shooting ideas off at each other; writing on napkins; barely eating; laughing; sharing stories. People watch them.

They’re doing shit bigger and better and seem happy and energetic whether they’re making money or not. And it’s so fucking awesome and inspirational to witness.

I have passions – major loves of my life that have been swept under the rug for way too long because they’re not really ‘mom’ things and they don’t really fit into the family dynamic, you know? I don’t feel well sometimes because I’m shoved into a really tight spot. A spot where one day becomes the next and it was no different than yesterday or tomorrow. It’s mundane. I can’t fucking stand mundane for too long – it messes with my brain and the way I take care of myself.

I sit there and think, “I wish…” or “If only…..” or “I’m too _____ to do that/move like that/listen to that/dress like that”. Most of the time I feel 24 in the body of a 30 year old and my mind feels like it’s got two areas: the responsible parent – Area Jen Mother and the kid – Area Jen Individual.

The parent wants to aim high and give her everything to raising children and running a smooth domestic ship. The kid just wants to mix music, dance and ski all over the world.

I have dreams, man. And I’ve finally realized after reading so much inspiring stuff – that it’s all possible in some alternate form. Also, that it’s more than possible to blend the parent and inner child.

Colin and I have a dream that we’ve been talking about for over a year now that could eventually put us on helicopters hovering over terrain park kickers and behind high-end photography, filming and editing equipment capturing motion in film and still at our favorite place – the mountains. These ideas will put us in athletic hubs and immersed in winter sports – perhaps all over the world one day if we’re good enough. X-Games would be yummy, too.

And then there’s my music addiction. I spend hours every night pouring over hundreds of songs – new and old – trying to find that perfect hook or break or riff or lyric or bass line. Something different. Something that brings my groove. I usually find a little treasure most nights, even if it’s just two tracks out of two hundred I’ve sampled – and it all goes into a vault.

All of my found music will eventually be used in conjunction with the athletic stuff. Maybe one day I’ll make enough money to buy everything I’d need to mix up my own sound. Something like this maybe. Haha, I’ve got the most bizarre tastes, but I’m so in love with this find even though it’ll bring me the strange looks…

Smash a kangaroo with me?

And I love to dance, obviously (and not the kind ya’ll do on the dance floors with your dresses and bare feet after a glass of wine too many – though I did do that at a wedding a few months ago and it was eight glasses of wine too many and good times).

That video I posted the other day might have just been some kid dancing like a robot to most, but what I see in that tape is precision popping and locking to each individual break. At times he’s moving his head, neck, arms, fingers and feet all in perfect time – one of the hardest things in the world to do with your body. I’ve spent hours watching that tape – sometimes just watching his feet, other times watching his arm or hand. I’m enchanted by that kid I tell ya.

I’ll never be able to dance at that level as Michael Jackson was not my personal mentor from the age of 11 – but I’m totally obsessed with flow and movement. And that’s going to come in handy with the combination of athletics and music thing above.

And really, why am I not dancing? Like really dancing hard? That’s what I used to do everyday – what I love – and it’s one of the best ways to shape my body – mixing ballet for flexibility, hip-hop for cardio and pop and lock for precision and challenge. I don’t even need to pay for it because it’s all self-taught. It’s just a matter of getting back in-tune with my body and what it can actually do.

I can do this; take the other path. And I’m going to. No more sweeping my passions under the rug because ‘I don’t think I can’. I can do anything.

It’s time to stop talking and start doing.

September 1 – Goodbye August! Don’t let the door hit your ass on your way out.

It’s a month that I haven’t enjoyed since having children. Back in the day we’d road trip, camp and hang out at the beach all day and it was all good – the whole summer days/summer nights thing, right?

But having kids and looking out everyday at bad air quality and high UV indexes, slathering SPF 60 – it’s just a pain in the ass that gets really tedious after awhile. I’ve never been so happy to see September 1 two days away.

September 8 – First day of school

No, my kids aren’t going to school this year. They actually went to Jr. Kindergarten for an entire school year in 08/09 and it was the best thing we’ve ever done for them. They’ve blossomed – and so did the fees. An 18% increase – and that was just 3 months after a slightly smaller increase – and it’s just so not affordable even for two days/week. At least five families have pulled their kids this year.

Anyway, as I was saying, they blossomed in the school environment and thrived on the structure. And since I’m staying home with them until next September when they begin kindergarten, some serious consideration about what we’re going to do for a year has to happen. TV is just not an option starting September.

The plan is to loosely follow the school’s schedule and curriculum – weekly themes, art projects, vocabulary, movement, fitness, field trips, etc. I’ll incorporate some of my own projects such as cooking, baking and cleaning (my kids already have chores but they’ll be doing some bigger home projects with me and allowances will begin) and bedtimes/wake up times will be consistent unlike during the lazy days of summer.

Also, they’re starting swimming lessons (one of the most important life skill IMO) in November and since they’re such little singers/dancers (Lils, at 4, has the most amazing voice and they both love to perform – it’s quite impressive) I’ll be looking into dance classes as a start. Aww, mommy’s girls!

Anyway, even though my gals aren’t entering a school, I’m stoked for the school year, teaching/learning with them. At one point in my childhood I wanted to be a teacher, so I guess this is my big break

Why yes, I’m a keener.

September 16 – The girls 4th birthday

Whoa, big 4.

Four years and these girls are happy, healthy, smart, well-mannered and social. We done good, Daddy.

September 22 – First day of Fall at 5:18 PM EDT

Fall! My favourite season of all (it used to be Winter but 08/09 scarred me for life). It’s just cozy. Scarves, casseroles, red wine, crunchy leaves, fireplace, jeans, hot baths, crisp sparkly mornings and dare I say it – maybe even some TV.

AND HOCKEY!!! OMG, hockey again – life can resume back to normal.

Maybe that’s the real reason I can’t stand summertime.

***

Anyhoo, thems my plans and excitements. A sweet man just handed me an omelette then it’s off to catch some beluga whale zoo action! (change of plans as usual)

Hope your weekend was filled with good stuff.

Blogging and smoking. This time it’s the latter.

I quit smoking earlier this year but then I had to go seeing the moon in February with it’s massive end-of-the-world ring around it and the next day life as I’d known it changed forever. As I packed and addressed a box full of journals and children’s toys and clothes and music and pictures and presents and printed emails – retribution by annihilation at it’s finest – someone told me to calm the fuck down crazy woman, step away from the box of destruction and smoke a cigarette. So I did.

And here I am, 36 hours into my quit after smoking again for almost six months. I very much want to kick the shit out of something or someone equally as bad as I did back then but instead I’m opting to stretch, deep breathe, suck orange Tic Tacs and alternately drink coffee and water in hopes of catching some kind of damn buzz while looking over venue options for a mid-summer’s evening wedding next year.

I have so many reasons for quitting but at the moment, it’s these:

Picturing all of our family and friends with Colin and our daughters at the end of this aisle brings me such an immense sense of pleasure, calm, hope and happiness. It’s something I’ve never been so sure of in our entire 7+ years together as I am today.

But if I want my wedding, dream $ venue, dream $ dress (pictured above), dream $ photographer, dream $ flowers and to be married before the girls start school next year, then I have no choice but to make a lot of smart choices.

Dropping the pricey and disgusting smoking habit was a no-brainer – it’s just a hard no-brainer because it’s a physical addiction on top of a mental one. Dropping wine and drinking in general (which goes hand-in-hand with smoking, therefore, has been eliminated for now as well) was not nearly as hard, but still.

GaaaaaaaaAAAAhhhwwd.

Anyway, please bear with me for the next few days while I go through major withdrawals, scattered thoughts, general bitchiness or just plain absenteeism while I bury my face in a pillow and try not to rip people’s heads off.

Obviously by the title here, my mind is on a creative hiatus – please excuse the general thought vomit this post will consist of.

1. Career

This has been the longest work week of my life by far. Why? Because when I leave my desk with it’s picturesque view of Mt. Baker and the roof-top pool of the Four Seasons Hotel on Friday, I will be officially part-time. No more calling in sick, no more feeling guilty, no more walking in the next day fearing for my job.

That being said, I’m busy. Busier than I’ve ever been in my career. You see, I went back to work full-time last September when my mind was occupied with things it shouldn’t have been occupied with. And then there was the fallout, drama, pain, therapy, recovery and most importantly, rebuilding my own seriously bruised and battered relationship with Colin. It wasn’t until the very end of April of this year that my head was finally IN my work – and I was dreadfully behind.

Literally, there were documents date stamped with October 2008 that I had pushed off. So, for the month of May, I was swamped with catching up. Working OT from home and not billing my hours, etc. – all out of guilt for a combination of fucking the dog and personal issues that flooded me from September to April.

When I look back, I am nothing short of shocked I still have a career there. But I do, so I won’t stew in the negative “what ifs”.

These days, I feel like a super star at work. I’m almost 100% up to date, my boss comes to me first for everything because I produce quality work that he can trust and I almost feel like I could continue full-time and be happy. But. There are a few things I’m really excited about…

2. My kids

Needless to say, being a full-time working mommy comes with it’s disadvantages – like spending two hours a day with your babies. The few hours I do have with them M-F aren’t one on one type things either. My favourite time of day has always been the 20 minute walk to and from school because rain or shine, it’s just the three of us, holding hands, talking, singing and laughing. Quality time. When we get home though, it’s go, go, go. I usually key down with a glass of wine and my lappy and then it’s dinner, clean up, laundry, baths, bed, etc. Hectic stuff.

But weekends eventually come and with the beautiful summery weather we’ve actually been out doing stuff as a family of four or three depending on Colin’s work schedule. Last weekend it was just them and me and I’ve never had such a great time just the three of us out and about. The weekend before that, the four of us jam-packed the entire weekend and created memories the girls still talk about.

That’s what this is all about. Creating memories for them. Time spent in front of the TV or in their room playing are not times they remember. Rather, it’s being out, seeing new things, going places we’ve never been before, exploring and wandering – basically what Col and I did every weekend during our 4 childless years. We’re doing it with our kids now and those are the things that stick with them and what they share at school with their teachers and friends.

In other words, I can’t wait for part-time to start so I can create a new adventure for the three of us at least once a week.

3. Sun

I mentioned it already, but since we’ve had a consecutive five days of sunshine in Vancouver, it’s officially summer!! Layers have been peeled off, skin has been exfoliated, flowy skirts and tanks have been pulled out of their drawers, bathing suits, sunglass, sun hats and beach towels are on call. Ahhh, summer.

I don’t think there is a single person out there who adores sunshine like I do. Seasonal Affective Disorder has it’s way with me from September through April. I gain weight, I whine, I pick up travel brochures and plan fake trips to sunny places, I look at my white skin and cringe…

And then my darling sun comes out and kisses my face and shoulders and all is right in the world again. Sunlight flowing through the blinds is enough to bounce out of bed and start my day early, plans are made, body is smooth, moisturized and sun-kissed, hair is air dried and worn long and wavy or piled into a loose bun and it’s a pleasure to do most everything just feeling the sunshine glowing around me.

Yeah, sun! My wonder drug.

4. Fitness and Health

Oh my. Oh my oh my oh my. My ass is getting stomped by EA Active already after two nights. The first night we did a full body workout and the next day I couldn’t walk. I whimpered to Colin on the phone from work, “Please, no lower body tonight…PLLLLEEEEEASE”. So he created an amazing workout last night that consisted of shooting hoops, catching, throwing and hitting the baseball, tennis, boxing and a bit of resistance work. Then he led me through his own routine of abs and seated rows and UGH.

Oh, and whoever invented jumping lunges should be hanged. Damn you.

I’m still sore from Day 1 and now my arms are done, too. But I must stick with it and get to know Active because come Monday, June 1, I’m starting the EA Active 30-Day Challenge where I will proceed to get my body sculpted for summer and the dress I’ll be wearing to our friends wedding at the end of July. I want it to accentuate my waist and legs, not be floral, matronly or frumpy and must be worthy of a full night of dancing and mingling with dear friends without feeling self conscious. I have work to do. ‘Nuff said.

Also with health is a complete 360 in our eating habits. I’m avoiding fast food and eating out like the plague and well as limiting wheat products and sugar. I’m trying to eat mostly lean protiens and ton of fresh greens for dinners. Lunches are consisting of healthy, lean sandwiches or soup and salads.

Eventually, eating lunch out will be a thing of the past as I plan to prepare both mine and Colin’s lunches everyday starting next week. Breakfast is still a bit of a struggle for us, but we’re going to hit up Costco and look for a nice protein bar or something else quick and easy. That’s our main problem with breakfast – time. Any suggestions?

5. Money

Col and I have a 4th birthday party in Disneyland to plan and we’d like to have that booked by the end of July. In essence that means that the reigns are being harshly tightened as we want to save and pay cash for this trip rather than throw it on a credit card and come back to a hefty debt load.

Things are being severely cut – there will be no Whistler trip for our birthdays this year, nor will there be any extravagance for either birthday or Father’s Day. We’ve accepted that fact and plan on just being together without throwing down cash to do cool things. Besides, going part-time is going to be a chunk of income we don’t have anymore – and we MUST adapt. Shattering our daughter’s dreams of spending their 4th birthday with the Disney Princesses is NOT an option.

6. Turning 30

In a few weeks, I’ll leave my 20s behind and despite fears that this would be a tough one, all I have to say is, “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out”.

Seriously, I just know that the next ten years are going to be my healthiest physically, emotionally and mentally; my relationships with Colin, my daughters, our family and friends are going to flourish; there will hopefully be a balance and zen in life that allows me to deal with these onsets of the blahs, craziness and depressions I seem to get once in awhile.

Oh, and there’s that thing they say about women in their 30s

My 20s brought me some great things – Colin, my career, my girls – but they were also filled with angst, self hate, depression, anger, regret, never being content, hurt, hate, loathing, creating drama for myself and others, selfishness, loneliness and the feeling of being more an overgrown teenager than a woman. To be honest, the last two years of my 20s have been the worst of my life so far and I am so ready to start a fresh new decade with these three beautiful souls I call my family, our extended families and good friends.

A few short weeks away from my 30th birthday, I feel different. My energy levels and spirit are those of someone much younger than me, but my head and heart feel all grown up.

I like this place.

Tonight Colin and I were sitting outside having a beer and talking sports. We mutually despise baseball and football, so I’m glad that works out. I love this about him. A football and baseball free house is a happy one indeed!

What we fully agree on is that playoff hockey takes precedent over most everything. Yeah, we’re those people. We plan our days and evening around games, we watch highlights before bed, we have playoff bets and plan our dinners simple and usually grilled on game nights. We’re pretty psycho.

I’m even bad on my own. On Friday, I forced my girls to wear their Canucks jerseys to school and this morning I gave them a choice of watching the Rangers/Capitals game or the Capitals/Rangers game while eating pancakes Daddy made us for breakfast. They were so confused when I cheered after a goal…Lils starting chanting, “Go Canucks go!” and I was all, “No, Lils. This isn’t the Canucks, baby.”

“Then why we watch hockey, Mama?”

“‘Cuz it’s playoffs. Get used to it.”

Ahhhh, my poor girls.

Anyway, what’s my point here again?

Oh yeah. When Col and I were talking sports, he mentioned letting his facial hair grow for the playoff run. Anyone who knows me and my fierce love of his baby face will know that the first thing that came mind was, “Nooooooo!”

But then I reconsidered and decided to back him up 100%. I mean, it’s for the Canucks. If it makes Colin happy, I can get behind and support him. Deal, just like the girls dealt with watching an east coast game with breakfast.

He eventually decided against it (a smart cookie, my boy) and I told him about how I was thinking of blogging everyday for the Canuck playoff run then taking the rest of spring and summer offline. Just like Colin, I thought better of it because, well, I can’t commit myself to anything like that. Heck, I couldn’t even do 30 days in November for two years in a row.

So now, instead of blogging every day of the playoff run and taking the rest of spring and summer off, I’m just going to take the rest of the spring and summer off, starting now. There’s lots of hockey to watch, sun rays to catch, stars to gaze at, lazy walks to take and dammit, it’s time to start learning to cook (thanks for all your advice, btw).

Who really knows what that means. If history repeats itself, I’ll be back anywhere from three days to a month

But for now…

Dear Blog,

Love,
Me

Dear Friends,

Love,
Me

What I don’t want:

1. A career that depends on me wearing myself down to the point of developing pneumonia, subsequently being way from said career for a total of six days (so far). A career I slightly fear going back to at this point for fear of snubbing because I “got six days off”, for fear of my email in box and in-tray, for fear of my co-workers discovering in my absence just how far behind I have become, for fear of becoming this run down again and potentially ending up in the hospital or worse. I never want to be as sick as I have been in recent days EVER again in my life.

2. To be a full-time stay-at-home mom. I just don’t have it in me. I need real life, adult interaction. I need to belly laugh over dirty jokes. I need to lunch with big kids and knock back a few after work on a Friday night. I need a sense of accomplishment other than that my kid ate broccoli for two days in a row, that I can clean an ass with just three wipes and that there is a new character on Sesame Street. (I know very well there is more to SAHMs I was one for almost three years)

3. Blogging and social networking to take over my life as it did last year. Just write and read blogs and have fun.

What I want:

1. A job. I don’t want a “career”. I want a place to go three days a week that locks it’s doors on the weekends. Employees don’t even have keys to enter and when someone gets sick, a temp is hired instantly.

2. To drop my kids off at daycare on those three days so they keep getting the benefits of preschool. They have so many friends and learn so much in that place, I can’t even believe it sometimes. Like when they come home and start playing “What time is it Mr. Wolf?” and they laugh and scream and know exactly how to play it, just like I did when I was a little girl. No matter what, they are staying in “school”. I wouldn’t give up my spots in that joint for a thousand bucks.

3. To get off of said “job” at a reasonable hour and head to town centre track for running. To the studio for yoga and/or pilates. To the pool for lap swimming or the gym for toning. Shower and pick up the girls by 5:30pm, three days a week. With the events of last week, health is a TOP priority right after my kids and family.

4. A home/dinner parties/entertaining. I want my home to be warm and open to anybody. I want to hostess and mingle with real adults.  I just want to be a grown up and do grown up things. Every time I see my old best friend, she says, “Lets have dinner! Whose house?” Definitely NOT mine, but I want to be able to say, “My house, this Saturday, be there by 7pm”. I want my hobby to be home improvement and showing off the fruits of my labour.

5. Quality of life. Right now I have none. I work six days a week and spend one deep cleaning and doing mass amounts of laundry. I hate it. I need some relaxation and pleasure in my life. I found a “moment” once and I need/want many, many more.

6. A blog where I find my voice and improve on my writing, nothing more, nothing less. A blog that nicely combines motherhood, womanhood, past, present and future. A blog where I hold nothing back but where there is no deep, dark, underlying secrets. A blog that is just truly me, whoever that is.

There were a few other things more intimate and personal that I had realizations about today, however, I’m going to leave it off my blog and just leave it at this…

I need to find the BALANCE I seek. I cannot keep riding this roller coaster. I want to COMMIT to something and stick with it for once. I want SOLID, I want TRUE, I want PURE, I want HEALTHY, I want HAPPY,  I want HERE and PRESENT. I want to stop over-thinking every detail and just ENJOY.

Whether it was looking back and reflecting, looking forward and hoping, looking at what I had and being miserable with it or looking at what I wanted and not being able to have it, my mind was in a constant state of motion.

When I was happy – I was really fucking happy. When I was down, the entire world – offline and on – knew about it.

Never content. Never okay. Never truly calm.

Everything was changing all of the time. Unsettled, unbalanced, unstable. That was me.

In 2008, the wheels of my mind never stopped without the aid of alcohol. When I was nicely buzzed and feeling no pain, my brain paused and I’d feel alright.

I could smile again, be free again, not be all-consumed about what I was going to do next, where I was going to go and how I was going to get there.

Then in December, it all came to an end. Like a chemistry experiment or meth lab gone horribly wrong, everything exploded in my face.

It hurt, it stung, I bled.

And then I just was.

*****

Last night as I sat beside the warm fire, lappy open reading blogs, Titanic on the TV, catching whiffs of the chocolaty scent of my freshly bathed, pajama’d daughters cuddling on the couch with their Daddy – I had a moment.

A moment I wanted to remember forever.

A moment that, no matter what was going on in the world outside my door, I wanted to turn the locks and hoard it all to myself.

A moment in time I wanted to hit pause.

A moment I wanted to capture and permanently etch into my brain.

Odours were potent, tastes were crisp, the smiles all around were bright and the warmth was overwhelming.

I was happy and appreciative and calm and sound.

In the moment. What an amazing concept.

Not looking back or forward. Just focusing solely and completely on that one moment in time.

*****

I woke up this morning and started dreading the week ahead. Waking up at 5:30am, waking the girls up at 6am, feeding them breakfast, packing lunches, daycare drop off, catching the train, work – crazy/insane/hectic work, racing home, daycare pick up, making dinner, laundry, baths, bedtime.

Single parenthood at it’s finest and crappiest.

Negativity. My first thoughts of the reality of the New Year were all negative…and then I remembered the moment and thoughts of it picked me up, brushed me off and put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

I’m not going to pretend to know what it all meant and I’m not even going to think about it. I’m just going to remember it and be open to every single possible new moment.

No more looking back, no more looking forward.

To me, 2009 is all about one thing.

Living for the moment.