Regardless of if this changes or not from now till Friday, it’s still going to be the greatest weekend ever. I’ve been waiting for it forever!

You see, Friday is payday which means we can start really getting into the season. When I said in my last post, “the harsh reality that is life right now”, it was totally about money. Or lack thereof. Like, serious lack.

Some of you might think that because I’m a stay at home mom, it’s because we can afford it, but the truth is, we sacrifice HUGELY in the finances department. Actually, we weren’t coming out ahead nor breaking even when the girls were in junior K either, but anyway.

There are very few ‘wants’ or luxuries anymore as our income just barely covers our needs. Long gone are the days of hair colouring, eating out, DVD rentals, spa treatments, fresh organic power juices, buying books, music, etc.

And while that may seem sad, it’s really not and I’m not complaining; we still have our indulgences. But anything above and beyond basic needs, is indulgence and so totally appreciated, like our Canucks TV package, the Granville Island Winter Ale we drank the other night … and the hoodie and tank Col surprised me with last weekend from Old Navy.

We’ve adapted to being broke, living paycheque to paycheque, borrowing money when we fall short and have accepted that there’s no getting ahead while I’m home with the girls. As long as we have a roof over our heads, food to cook, warmth and each other then we’re going to be okay. Our high rolling days were over the minute we saw two heartbeats during the ultrasound and won’t start up again for about 14 years

Anyway, the state of financial affairs means that while I’ve jazzed up the house with Christmas decorations I already had on hand, the Christmas season doesn’t really commence until Friday. I haven’t bought a single Christmas present (no worries, my list is tiny this year) or baked a cookie or hung stockings or even bought a tree yet … and this weekend is it!

The fact that it’s supposed to snow is just like icing on the awesome cake!

So, Friday kicks off with shopping. Wake up early in the morning and hit the grocery store where I intend to shop for all of my baking ingredients and stock up on supplies to make these yummy chicken enchiladas I saw on Carrie’s blog last night.

Then we’ll head back out, pick up a bunch of presents, supplies and try to get the majority of our list crossed off, minus the Toys R’ Us trip where 80% of our purchases are being made.

Friday night is Colin’s Christmas party and they’ve cut budgets so much that there’s no big gala anymore, rather, private department parties within the studio. It’s not really mentioned if spouses are welcome, but I don’t want to go anyway and Col can have a night out with the boys while I bake the enchiladas for the girls, my brother and whoever else wants to join us and watch a bunch of Christmas movies and Flashpoint. Yeah!

The rest of the weekend will include buying a tree, decorating it and fully Christmasifying our humble abode. Saturday and Sunday will be days of baking and decorating cookies with the girls and maybe, just maybe …

PLAYING IN THE SNOW!?!

Holy moly! I’ve never been so excited for a Friday and weekend in my whole life.

Last night while laying in bed, Col and I decided to try something new (shut it, peanut gallery) …

We each took a turn telling the other something more than the typical “I love you” and “sweet dreams” and “OMG, I’m soooooo tired, I really hope the girls sleep in!”

I told him that he was my balance, strength, light, calm and tranquility when I feel like I have none, my motivating force; the only person who brings me total and utter peace when things get overwhelming.

He told me that my found spirituality, nature and love remind him of being a child and having dreams. He told me that in his busy days of commuting and working that I give him inspiration to be more, to dream more and to seek out his passions … and that it’s his favorite thing to come home to.

Quite possibly, it was the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard from this man I’ve been with for almost 8 years. I had no idea of the impact I make on his life on a daily basis.

You see, Colin often gets home between 7 and 8pm. On most days he basically walks in to me at the end of my rope as 7:45am to 8pm can be a long day with two four year olds who rarely nap anymore.

He comes in and sometimes I’m short and snappy and need help but I don’t often ask because here he is working 12 hour days to give us the life we have. But sometimes my head wants to explode and he knows that just by looking at me and takes over the bedtime routine without a word spoken.

I grab a glass of wine, crash somewhere and feel bad that I couldn’t manage the day in full from beginning to end and that I even allowed myself become overwhelmed to the point of snapping. And then he comes over and hugs me and tells me what a good job I’ve done, even if I haven’t really done much, makes me laugh about something – at myself mostly which feels really good – and I’m finally at my peaceful place with our girls sleeping and the day coming to an end.

See? Peace. When I’ve misplaced mine, Colin is there to help me find it.

Still, he doesn’t often get a taste of me like my readers of this blog do. At least I didn’t think so.

So last night I decided to change that. If I’m practicing love as a faith, it should definitely be practiced on my man first and I feel sometimes like I totally fail on that.

But when I heard those words come out of his mouth … that he actually notices … that I inspire him to dream like a child … it ignited a thousand fires within. It was like a nod from one of the most important people in my life signaling that I’m on the right path, doing the right thing. And holy moly was that ever music to my ears on top of being the most positive motivator to crash down the barrier I was stressing about yesterday.

ღ¸♪•°´*ღ.¸

Sharing on that level was one of the truly most passionate things I’ve ever done while laying in bed (fully clothed that is). I urge you to do the same sometime, too. We all need more passion … it’s such a shame looking around and seeing some people passionate about very little or nothing and just bitching about the minor irritations in life. Bah. That’s no way to live at all.

If you’re lucky enough to love someone, cup their face, look them in the eye and tell them exactly why. Not just I love you, not just I need you, not just I want you. Because you don’t need anything and your wants don’t matter when you’re giving … you’ll get back what you give … it’s fact!

Go deep into your heart, shake off any shyness or awkwardness (I totally felt shy when talking to Col so deeply but in effect I had long forgotten butterflies so it was worth it) and tell them what it is about them that you adore and the impact they have on your life. We don’t do it enough and “I love you” sometimes just doesn’t cut it when it’s said as part of a daily routine.

Break free of routine, obligatory words and motions …

Make love a verb, a constant action. Wow … just like happiness, love isn’t a thing! A person can’t find love or happiness, they must constantly create it, weave it, be it, give it. Wonderous! Hey, it only took me 30 years to figure that one out for myself and now that I have it’s mighty

LOL. Oh, wow. Yes, I’m such a geek … but at least a happy one <3

And Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow to my friends in the States! Be sure to spend your day off giving constant gratitude for all the beauty and wonder surrounding you and for being alive and well to enjoy it xo

ღ¸♪•°´*ღ.¸

Weird! This morning I took a cruise through my old Huckdoll’s Hood blog archives trying to find out when I flunked out of NaBloPoMo ‘08 and found this, written on this day last year. It’s a weird feeling to read it and be transported back in time, yet not even recognize the person who wrote it. So in the spirit of happiness and positivity, I present to you,

Most Depressing Post Ever
Most Cheering Post Ever

November 16, 2008
November 16, 2009

I guess the NaBloPoMo gods woke me up to make sure I got a post in or something because I’m cutting it really close here.
NaBloPoMo gods?? If there were such ridiculous things, they’d have to bite me because I’m a good hour away from cutoff as I write this.

(Note: In ‘08 my last NaBloPoMo post was November 17 before I flunked out. If I can make it to Wednesday, I think I’ll have me a win – a personal best that is. Another interesting (to me) fact is that I unknowingly used that Get Out of Hell Free card on the exact same day as last year, but last year because I was emotionally strung out and tired; this year because I was awesome and went out with big people. Still … coincidences like that are wonderful and weird to strange cookies like me)

The facts:

I’ve been asleep since 7:30pm, my girls since 5:30pm.
I’ve yet to go to bed but I’ll be under my blankets the moment this is published, my girls have been sleeping since 9pm. I love sleep and am super passionate about (and good at) it. I wonder if I do it well enough and learn all the ins and outs of snoring, sleep walking, talking, drooling and teeth grinding that maybe I can make like a mainstream mommy blogger, gather my fellow army of sleep lovers and throw up a big ruckus demanding to get paid for our dedication to the Zzzzzzs. Because we are good at it and deserve to be compensated for our passion, dammit! *stomps foot*

Baby Daddy and I are no longer together, obviously.
COLIN (how did I get away with ‘Baby Daddy’ for so long guys? Ick.) is sitting beside me watching Mission Impossible and hockey highlights. He’s cute in his gray snowboarding toque, blue jeans and Earth t-shirt.

It doesn’t feel good nor am I happy about it, but it was my doing. Again.
It feels really good and I am ridiculously happy about it. Getting to this point has been a long, uneven, pothole covered, roadkill dodging, foggy, bumpy road and it was both of our doings; both of us navigating together. For the first time.

I’m not looking for sympathy here. I made this bed.
Making beds is overrated.

Functioning is quite hard but I am managing to do it until my girls fall asleep. Then I stop.
Functioning is my favourite thing to do after sleeping and I do so fully, easily and happily until my girls fall asleep. Then I stop and drink some wine.

My eyes are tired and sore and heavy and the reason I fell asleep at 7:30 was more just because I needed a break from crying.
My eyes are fine but you know what? No one tells you as they jab you with the flu shot that your arm is going to basically swell in pain, rot and fall off for three days. Today I woke up with a fully attached and functioning left arm and what do I do? Smash my right elbow into the corner of a wall while gracefully doing laundry, sending shooting pains up and down my arm and rendering it less useful than my swine shot arm was. I cried inside.

Today was really hard emotionally.
Today was a bit of a mental challenge with it being the 3rd day of the Pineapple Express rainstorm, but emotionally? All med-free groove, man.

I don’t think I’ve smiled even once.
I think I’ve smiled at least 20 times each hour of today. I’m smiling right now, can’t you tell?

I want to make this blog private but I don’t have the energy or motivation to do it right now.
Bah. There’s nothing on this blog I’d waste my time on besides writing it. Life’s too short to obsess over blogging (except during NaBloPoMo) especially since the world will probably, at worst, end in 2012 and at best, the internet will die. Who’s going to care about their blogs then? We’ll have to tell our stories face to face. No online!! I KNOW.

I wish I had a hand to hold or a hug or anything.
I’m holding hundreds, thousands, millions of hands every day as I feel extremely connected to humankind. The most special ones are those of my girls and the handsome man sitting beside me right now and for that I am truly blessed.

I am probably not okay, but I will be soon I guess.
I am happy in such abundance that it’s overwhelming sometimes. I made this for myself and there is so much life changing power in fully grasping the concepts of love, compassion, giving and happiness.

Okay, I’m going back to bed now.
Okay. I’m going to bed now <3

“The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places, those nights spent awake and all you’ve done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit. The good news is, this wouldn’t be the first time someone’s crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell.”

- I Wrote This For You … “The Ground Will Give Way“

Once upon a time I used to read only mommy and daddy blogs and a handful of personal blogs; those alone took big chunks of my free time. I also only used to read blogs of individuals who read mine and I thought that was fair but obligatory and dull. The whole ‘you comment, I follow’ rule never worked for me and actually, when it comes to blogging, rules in general don’t work for me (and probably why I haven’t once successfully completed NaBloPoMo). It’s just blogging; writing and reading on the internet because I feel like it, when I feel like it.

I stopped reading a lot of blogs because of their family friendly, child-focused goodness tainted with cheesy reviews and plugs (obviously not a bad thing when you look at the popularity of and money involved in parenting blogs – and I do have a little handful of exceptions – it’s just that I come online as a break from children rather than to hear all about other people’s), messages of mediocre being the new black, blahs, whaas, dramas and constant rantings.

I was feeling unfulfilled, uninspired and missed learning about actual people and their passions.

Coming online is my hobby, my escape. In my time here, I want to learn something, see something beautiful, become inspired to better my world, get to know a person’s heart, soul, fears, passions and dreams a little better. I actually love reading your memes and diary-style entries because I learn so much about you as a person.

So basically my criteria became, if I’m not learning anything about the writer, then I don’t read the blog. The “writing” doesn’t even matter – I’ve never been one to follow after so-called amazing ‘writers’ in the blogosphere anyway; I’ve always preferred the unique, original, one of a kind diamonds over the obnoxious shiny stones bought in a mall because the romantic commercial said to.

Anyway, everything changed and my reading list was quartered, in effect clearing up a bunch of time.

And so I started out on an adventure outside of my comfort zone and found hundreds of ridiculously positive, beautiful, inspiring, gorgeous, thought-provoking blogs. Personal blogs, niche blogs, photo blogs, food blogs, every kind of blog blogs. They make me smile.

People doing actual things over and above the norm. Blogs teaching Yes. People encouraging me to touch the sky because I can and if I don’t succeed today, try again tomorrow or next week or next month; just don’t stop trying. Articles focused on becoming anything – including happy – if you want it badly enough. Artists sharing what’s gorgeous and moving through their eyes today … This practice changed my life … Here is how I’m succeeding … Open your mind … Aim to be more and better …

(You can find snippets if you click my “Everything Beautiful in the Blogs” button on my sidebar which is my shared items in Google reader).

And my mind was blown open to a world of colour brighter, richer and deeper than I’ve ever seen before and it’s all been extremely fulfilling and thought provoking.

But all this computer time is over-stuffing brain; I can feel it sparking with all the information I’m receiving and not properly digesting. I’m like an overly excited child constantly darting to the next ride.

So it’s time to slow down and savour. There is so much beauty and greatness that I never knew existed out here in the blogosphere and it could easily consume my entire life.

Talk about inspiration overload. I never knew there was such a thing.

I also never knew there was such a thing as writing 600+ words and not really remembering what my main point was supposed to be. Sorry

But know this …

If you’re reading this and I’m reading you, then I want you to know that you, as an individual, constantly amaze me.

Thank you for being excellent and sharing it with the world.

I’ve been to Hawaii on two separate occasions.

Each time, I was able to stand at the edges of Sunset, Banzai and Waimea, observing the most powerful bodies of water I’d ever seen in my lifetime. The sheer force of those oceans had me fearful and captivated; the heavy breaks at shore often had me taking a few steps away at the same time as they called me to move in closer.

Over these past few years I’ve often felt as though I was a novice surfer stuck riding inside the barrel of a wave far too big and powerful than I was capable of handling. The sheer power of the different thrusts and pulls had me flailing about, experiencing highs and lows and I could never seem to find a way out. The wave wouldn’t break or toss me.

And while I knew there were placid and calm waters somewhere outside of my stormy ride, I had no idea how to get out. Quite often I’d spot another surfer – sometimes they were inside the barrel with me, other times outside, but no one could take my arm and guide me out – I had to do it myself but I didn’t know how. So I just stayed there accepting the fact that maybe I’d never find my own way.

…:::

About one month ago I began reading a book called The Art of Happiness. It’s a book of conversations between a Western doctor of medicine and the Dalai Lama and is based on a few simple premises:

1. The purpose of life is happiness.

2. Happiness is determined more by the state of one’s mind than by one’s external conditions, circumstances, or events—at least once one’s basic survival needs are met.

3. Happiness can be achieved through the systematic training of our hearts and minds, through reshaping our attitudes and outlook.

4. The key to happiness is in our own hands.

“The Art of Happiness offers a variety of techniques to help overcome the destructive mental states that are the source of much of our misery—mental states such as anger, hatred, greed, jealousy, discouragement and fear.”

One month ago today, I gradually found my way out of the wave to a place that feels like this…

I don’t believe it is just the book or the Dalai Lama or the Buddhist faith principles or my very holistic approach to health and wellness … but one day I just got truly positive.

Quite a few of you have noted my recent outlook here and have even asked questions about the hows and whys and whats and all I have to say is this:

One day I decided my life is not a Monday-Sunday calendar, rather a journey and only I can navigate my journey.

It was time to stop wasting time trying to figure out why people act and do the things they do and focus on why I act and do the things I do. Other people are exactly how they’re meant to be.

It was time to start accepting everything is how it is meant to be and always will be.

It was time to start living in the now because this moment is the only guarantee on my journey.

It was time to truly love myself. It was time to look in the mirror and able to say to myself:

Yes, I am bragging. I am worth it.
I am happy, and I deserve it.
I am committed to loving me.
When I honor myself, the world shifts around me.
I am brilliant. I am proud. I am sexy.
And I am allowed to use my power
To shine and to attract greatness.
I am divine.

(Source: Gaiam Life ~ Your Guide to Better Living)

It was time to realize that everything about loving myself is right.

It was time to learn and practice compassion and empathy.

It was time to realize that what I give to the world is what I get.

It was time to be kind to the Earth which has provided me with so much.

It was time to practice daily gratitude.

It was time to make happiness my purpose.

“What you think, you become”

I have a hankering to write this morning since it’s raining hard outside, the girls are busy in their room doing something that sounds really cute and my biggest plan today is making a scrumptious dinner and maybe a rain walk if the downpour lessens.

Last time writing here, I was in the throws of nicotine withdrawal for the second time in less than two weeks and I’m proud to say that it’s now been ten days for me; four days for Colin.

Since we’re both over the worst of it, it seems as though we’ve become a sort of force … full to the brim with new found life, energy, inspiration … time. Time to talk and wander, walk and ponder. I’m sure it’s just a mental thing but when you kick such a big part of your life – a part that used up so much time and money – you feel newly rich.

There are so many things we want to do now – together and individually – because if we can quit smoking then we can do anything and I vaguely remember this feeling from the olden days, pre-children, when we quit smoking for three years and really did do anything even though it mostly included weekend ski and road trips, fancy dates and outings and exercise by way of hikes, roller blades and wandering in the rain under an umbrella for hours.

So many days and nights were spent talking excitedly and passionately about what we wanted to do and where we wanted to go and those days and nights are back but this time the ‘have a baby’ item has been checked off the list. Twice.

I love being at this place again.

The only downside to quitting has been weight gain. I’ve gained 3-5 lbs in about 10 days depending on the time of day I weigh myself and that kind of sucks but not. While I feel it in my tummy, the only body parts that are noticeably bigger are my boobs (yesterday I tried on a chocolate brown zip front hoodie with to-die-for baby soft lining and the poor zipper threatened to explode in the chest region so I had to pass; sadness), but I think I might be able to accept this gain for once in my life because I feel good and seriously healthy plus Colin’s in heaven so I’m rather pleased.

We’ve been getting rid of so much lately. On Sunday we donated four black garbage bags of clothing to goodwill … we’re selling stuff on craigslist like nobody’s business and it’s like I’m able to breathe for the first time in years. Non-productive clutter is so, so damaging to my mental well being and I’m sure I’m not alone on that one.

I’m not talking about the day-to-day clutter that’s easily put away at night, rather, the ‘areas’ that become places to deposit crap and worry about at a later time … closets and drawers full of clothes no one wears anymore … underneath bathroom sinks where quarter full bottles of old product live on … cluttered kitchen cupboards … throwing crap into piles that just get bigger and things get lost in. Wow – it stresses me out writing about it actually.

This past weekend Colin went out and bought a bunch of DVD and CD albums and we got rid of every. single. friggen DVD, CD, computer and video game/program packaging case in this household (except the cool box sets). I never realized how much plastic and paper go into all of that product – it’s unfortunate for the planet but what can you do.

So that’s about it. Planning … becoming passionate again about everything life has to offer … creating and weaving our happiness instead of expecting to “find” it or waiting for it to fall into our laps … growing boobs … cooking up a storm … hockey watching … talking together … walking forward together.

And it’s a good thing we’ve got going on.

I hope you’re all well and that I find a moment to catch up with my fave blogs soon xo

“My message is the practice of compassion, love and kindness. Compassion can be put into practice if one recognizes the fact that every human being is a member of humanity and the human family regardless of differences in religion, culture, color and creed. Deep down there is no difference.”

- His Holiness The Dalai Lama

In my travels around the blogs and life over the past few weeks I’ve noticed certain trends:

- Blogs and websites devoted to the mocking of others in ‘good’ fun
- Depression
- Loss
- Illness
- Nonconstructive debating

I’m not sure if it’s always been this way or if right now the universe is in an unbalanced state in both real life and in the real lives of the people in the computer. Or perhaps I’m just noticing it now because, for once, I’m not affected. Everyone seems to be getting sick, sick or are feeling better after being sick. Everyone seems to be getting laid off or losing contracts and clients. Everyone seems to be overwhelmed, underwhelmed and depressed.

I truly hope everyone feels better. I truly hope that by losing jobs and clients and contracts that people are eventually able to see it as good things falling apart so better things can fall together. That passions can be explored and dreams can be followed and eventually people come to realize that the only thing stopping them from pursuing their dreams and passions is themselves and their fear. I hope that people in or at the edge of darkness are able to find a light naturally and if not, then I hope that in conjunction with their chemical wonders they seek immediate therapy to not just cover and bandage, but peel back layers and fix their insides with a desire to live drug-free happily again one day. Regardless, I’m proud of people who are speaking out about the dark place and doing something, anything, about it. Talking people are good sometimes.

In other times and places, people can’t seem to stop talking. There is no human family here. There is no giving or compassion or kindness or humanity rather a bunch of people trying to have the loudest voice. Huge yawns are being had here; this is not ground-breaking, precedent-setting, eye-opening stuff you’re talking about, rather, the big bad company de jour. Why not live and let live? Move on. Walk away and join groups that are doing things that leave an impression on something or someone. Why not speak out for real causes that create good; give yourselves wholly and selflessly to something you passionately believe in and expect nothing in return. Sadly, giving away “goodies” on your giveaway blog doesn’t count. A shady company that produces craptastic compounded foods in a factory and contributes to the pollution on our planet with it’s plastics is not breaking news nor something you passionately believe in, and if it is why not go support it or fight against it on your own time and buck? Why in the world are you talking about this out loud to the people inside the computer instead of doing something tangible about it? Will you recall that mighty post on your deathbed? Will your loved ones recall it when delivering the eulogy at your funeral? Hey?! Why not decide for you rather than jump on a bandwagon based on what’s pushing into your never-ending Twitter streams from people you think are popular. Be your own and feed your own opinions to those who sit around your own dinner table while eating and drinking whatever you want because that is your choice. And that’s a choice I will respect you for; a silence I will greatly appreciate while seeking out people who are talking about something good, thanks.

~~~~

In other travels I’ve been stumbling onto posts, updates and people complaining about wanting better, wanting more behind guises of fairness and equality when the underlying messages are screaming, “I want more and better than I already have because I deserve more and better than what I already have and it will bring me happiness”. (Your sense of entitlement is disheartening as is your source of happiness and that is A-OK because that is you and your values and who am I to judge people’s sources of happiness?) But I feel like this is the exact reason why in Western civilization, seeking happiness is often considered self-centered and indulgent. Say to anyone, “I just want to be happy,” and half the time you feel like a selfish jerk afterward. It’s also the reason why it’s becoming increasingly hard to find people who are actually happy and content with what they have; people who are finding happiness in not getting more and better, but in giving away what they do have to people who have less or using their incredible voices to bring light to an important cause.

Acts of selfless giving? Beautiful.

Gratefulness? Beautiful.

Compassion? Beautiful.

So while I sit here and chuckle to myself thanking my lucky stars that I have a choice to turn it off and am not forced to live with it or sleep with it or meet it for coffee on a weekly basis or talk to it on the phone. I don’t know why people act, think and feel the way they do or why they have these self-serving agendas. And I don’t waste my time trying to figure it out anymore, rather, chalk it up to forgivable human dysfunction and call it a day.

And in calling it a day I turn to humanity. I search for people, stories and causes full of giving, gratefulness, positivity and kindness. These people have passion. These people are using their voices and hearts for good. I’ve walked away from these blogs feeling immensely happy and inspired to be a better person myself.These people are saying things that should and hopefully will be remembered.

I thank each and every one of you for brightening my days.

Guerrilla Giving

Read their About page. This incredible family of four is awe-inspiring. An excerpt:

What?

Guerrilla Giving is (r)evolutionary–at least it feels that way for us.

Revolutionary because in today’s world, freely giving of our own resources on a mostly daily basis subverts many of our silent agreements (e.g. capital equals security, give as a tax write off, save for a rainy day, etc.). It calls into question our ego’s insatiable appetite for self-gratification. It lifts our sights to a higher vision.

Evolutionary, because Guerrilla Giving emboldens us to step into a current of grace that draws us forward as a global community. It opens our hearts and hands to each other, especially to the stranger. It employs a model of trust in the benevolent spirit of life.

As such, Guerrilla Giving is, in truth, a kind of guerrilla marketing for a life of connection—between ourselves, our neighbours, and the transcendent (God, Universe, Spirit, whatever name you choose). There are, of course, countless ways that people nurture their spirituality, whether it’s through yoga, meditation, prayer, or commitment to a spiritual community. All of these are fantastic. We have also found that giving on a (mostly) daily basis is one of the most exhilarating disciplines to teach non-attachment (for me–a daily struggle) and the interdependence of all of life.”

Thank you to the family behind Guerilla Giving, your spirit is moving and inspiring.

~~~~

Heather at Singing With My Heart

The lovely Heather is running ‘Comments for a Cause’ throughout the month of October for two amazing causes. Please add her to your readers or bookmarks and visit her daily. You taking a moment out of your busy day, reading and leaving even the shortest of comments will make a difference. Plus, Heather is a wonderful read, so it’s a win/win.

~~~~

Misty at Rainy Day in May

Misty is another amazing blog friend who I’ve known forever it seems; I love this woman and I promise you will too. For Breast Cancer Awareness month, all of her October blog ad revenue is going to Susan G. Komen For the Cure. Please go read her story.

Taking a few moments to click around her blog will be an act of selfless giving.

~~~~

Thank you, Guerrilla Giving, Heather and Misty for your good hearts and for using your voices in a way that I truly admire and respect.

You inspire, provide hope and are outstanding members of the human family.

~~~~

Sitting here eating my oatmeal and drinking OJ with a coffee chaser, I’m most definitely concert-hung this morning.

For the most past, Jason Mraz fulfilled and exceed every one of my expectations at GM Place last night (note attendance: 10,000). And I guess that’s where a teensy weency bit of disappointment lays – I’m so used to listening to this guy’s acoustic recordings and performances in small venues that the sound at GM Place was a little too big for my tastes; very loud with some serious bass that shook me right to the core – which I totally dig – it’s just that I’ve never turned to Mraz for my bass line fix before. But what can you do when serving 10,000 in an arena, right?

Regardless, I loved it.

My favorite part of the show was Mr. Mraz himself. For one he’s hot. And he can move. And groove. And sing. Oh my God can that boy sing. The energy that flows through his body and into his music and back is insane. He’s loose, ultra laid back, funny, thoughtful, beautiful.

Groovy. That word is so peace symbol donning hippy-ish, but it’s the only word I can think of for Jason Mraz live, after incredibly sexy.

I’ve been reading his blog for awhile now and I’m pretty fascinated by him lately. Not his music so much as his purpose, lifestyle and beliefs.

The guy has been a massive inspiration to my entire outlook on life these days which is positive thinking, living this moment, seeking out the best in every situation and person I come across, giving myself, seeing the beauty in everything (especially the things that used to depress me like rain…and my past…which has now, in my mind, formed something beautiful and rich called a history book) being aware of and educated about what’s really going into my body and my family’s bodies, breathing, fresh air, meditating, stretching and being conscious of my impact on the environment.

And I guess that’s what my whole Jason Mraz fixation is. It’s not really his music I was there for last night, rather his energy; I most definitely got that as it’s so immense I was able to feed off it all night and it’s still in me.

He makes me want to be a better, happier, more peaceful and passionate person.

Totally inspirational. Totally worth it. Totally fulfilled.

Every little thing is gonna be alright.

10,000 people singing it out loud at GM Place last night:

Groovy.

It’s been awhile

Life has been interesting lately. The last post talked about my difficulties letting go of a career, but it seems fate or timing changed everything up.

The day after I wrote that post someone was hired for my position. My last day was meant to be August 10 and I was fully prepared to work the last few weeks when we were informed of an H1N1 outbreak at our girls daycare centre. Colin and I decided that it was best if we pulled the girls from classes until we see how/if it spreads and as of last Thursday…I became a stay at home mom again. Though I will and want to return to some form of work for mostly social/purpose outside of home reasons, I’ll no longer be doing the big career in the big city thing.

Feelings? Elated. Relaxed. Whole – not spread so thin.

Sure, bills are piling up, our Disney trip might be set back a few weeks, I might have to wear a dress and shoes I already own to a wedding next weekend *GASP* , my former employers aren’t too impressed with me choosing my kids over them, the girls drive me up the wall with their resistance to napping lately and the chaos those little angel devils ensue in the grocery store as a result of lack of sleep. But…

Callie and Lily are happy. Colin is happy. My family and friends are happy.

And I’m happy.

That combination is all I could ever ask for.

Obviously by the title here, my mind is on a creative hiatus – please excuse the general thought vomit this post will consist of.

1. Career

This has been the longest work week of my life by far. Why? Because when I leave my desk with it’s picturesque view of Mt. Baker and the roof-top pool of the Four Seasons Hotel on Friday, I will be officially part-time. No more calling in sick, no more feeling guilty, no more walking in the next day fearing for my job.

That being said, I’m busy. Busier than I’ve ever been in my career. You see, I went back to work full-time last September when my mind was occupied with things it shouldn’t have been occupied with. And then there was the fallout, drama, pain, therapy, recovery and most importantly, rebuilding my own seriously bruised and battered relationship with Colin. It wasn’t until the very end of April of this year that my head was finally IN my work – and I was dreadfully behind.

Literally, there were documents date stamped with October 2008 that I had pushed off. So, for the month of May, I was swamped with catching up. Working OT from home and not billing my hours, etc. – all out of guilt for a combination of fucking the dog and personal issues that flooded me from September to April.

When I look back, I am nothing short of shocked I still have a career there. But I do, so I won’t stew in the negative “what ifs”.

These days, I feel like a super star at work. I’m almost 100% up to date, my boss comes to me first for everything because I produce quality work that he can trust and I almost feel like I could continue full-time and be happy. But. There are a few things I’m really excited about…

2. My kids

Needless to say, being a full-time working mommy comes with it’s disadvantages – like spending two hours a day with your babies. The few hours I do have with them M-F aren’t one on one type things either. My favourite time of day has always been the 20 minute walk to and from school because rain or shine, it’s just the three of us, holding hands, talking, singing and laughing. Quality time. When we get home though, it’s go, go, go. I usually key down with a glass of wine and my lappy and then it’s dinner, clean up, laundry, baths, bed, etc. Hectic stuff.

But weekends eventually come and with the beautiful summery weather we’ve actually been out doing stuff as a family of four or three depending on Colin’s work schedule. Last weekend it was just them and me and I’ve never had such a great time just the three of us out and about. The weekend before that, the four of us jam-packed the entire weekend and created memories the girls still talk about.

That’s what this is all about. Creating memories for them. Time spent in front of the TV or in their room playing are not times they remember. Rather, it’s being out, seeing new things, going places we’ve never been before, exploring and wandering – basically what Col and I did every weekend during our 4 childless years. We’re doing it with our kids now and those are the things that stick with them and what they share at school with their teachers and friends.

In other words, I can’t wait for part-time to start so I can create a new adventure for the three of us at least once a week.

3. Sun

I mentioned it already, but since we’ve had a consecutive five days of sunshine in Vancouver, it’s officially summer!! Layers have been peeled off, skin has been exfoliated, flowy skirts and tanks have been pulled out of their drawers, bathing suits, sunglass, sun hats and beach towels are on call. Ahhh, summer.

I don’t think there is a single person out there who adores sunshine like I do. Seasonal Affective Disorder has it’s way with me from September through April. I gain weight, I whine, I pick up travel brochures and plan fake trips to sunny places, I look at my white skin and cringe…

And then my darling sun comes out and kisses my face and shoulders and all is right in the world again. Sunlight flowing through the blinds is enough to bounce out of bed and start my day early, plans are made, body is smooth, moisturized and sun-kissed, hair is air dried and worn long and wavy or piled into a loose bun and it’s a pleasure to do most everything just feeling the sunshine glowing around me.

Yeah, sun! My wonder drug.

4. Fitness and Health

Oh my. Oh my oh my oh my. My ass is getting stomped by EA Active already after two nights. The first night we did a full body workout and the next day I couldn’t walk. I whimpered to Colin on the phone from work, “Please, no lower body tonight…PLLLLEEEEEASE”. So he created an amazing workout last night that consisted of shooting hoops, catching, throwing and hitting the baseball, tennis, boxing and a bit of resistance work. Then he led me through his own routine of abs and seated rows and UGH.

Oh, and whoever invented jumping lunges should be hanged. Damn you.

I’m still sore from Day 1 and now my arms are done, too. But I must stick with it and get to know Active because come Monday, June 1, I’m starting the EA Active 30-Day Challenge where I will proceed to get my body sculpted for summer and the dress I’ll be wearing to our friends wedding at the end of July. I want it to accentuate my waist and legs, not be floral, matronly or frumpy and must be worthy of a full night of dancing and mingling with dear friends without feeling self conscious. I have work to do. ‘Nuff said.

Also with health is a complete 360 in our eating habits. I’m avoiding fast food and eating out like the plague and well as limiting wheat products and sugar. I’m trying to eat mostly lean protiens and ton of fresh greens for dinners. Lunches are consisting of healthy, lean sandwiches or soup and salads.

Eventually, eating lunch out will be a thing of the past as I plan to prepare both mine and Colin’s lunches everyday starting next week. Breakfast is still a bit of a struggle for us, but we’re going to hit up Costco and look for a nice protein bar or something else quick and easy. That’s our main problem with breakfast – time. Any suggestions?

5. Money

Col and I have a 4th birthday party in Disneyland to plan and we’d like to have that booked by the end of July. In essence that means that the reigns are being harshly tightened as we want to save and pay cash for this trip rather than throw it on a credit card and come back to a hefty debt load.

Things are being severely cut – there will be no Whistler trip for our birthdays this year, nor will there be any extravagance for either birthday or Father’s Day. We’ve accepted that fact and plan on just being together without throwing down cash to do cool things. Besides, going part-time is going to be a chunk of income we don’t have anymore – and we MUST adapt. Shattering our daughter’s dreams of spending their 4th birthday with the Disney Princesses is NOT an option.

6. Turning 30

In a few weeks, I’ll leave my 20s behind and despite fears that this would be a tough one, all I have to say is, “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out”.

Seriously, I just know that the next ten years are going to be my healthiest physically, emotionally and mentally; my relationships with Colin, my daughters, our family and friends are going to flourish; there will hopefully be a balance and zen in life that allows me to deal with these onsets of the blahs, craziness and depressions I seem to get once in awhile.

Oh, and there’s that thing they say about women in their 30s

My 20s brought me some great things – Colin, my career, my girls – but they were also filled with angst, self hate, depression, anger, regret, never being content, hurt, hate, loathing, creating drama for myself and others, selfishness, loneliness and the feeling of being more an overgrown teenager than a woman. To be honest, the last two years of my 20s have been the worst of my life so far and I am so ready to start a fresh new decade with these three beautiful souls I call my family, our extended families and good friends.

A few short weeks away from my 30th birthday, I feel different. My energy levels and spirit are those of someone much younger than me, but my head and heart feel all grown up.

I like this place.