As I sit down to write a long overdue post I wonder how do I even begin to explain magic? Which words are fitting to describe something that only myself and twenty family and friends were privy to?

How do I tell you about this fullness in my heart and happiness in my entire being and to whom do I give thanks for the total and complete beauty that was December 24th and 25th?

I don’t know.

There are so many stories to tell, so many thoughts and feelings to share, absolutely heartfelt gifts to mention and thanks to be given to twenty people who contributed to the magic.

I’ve been sitting here for over an hour attempting to write the events of the past few days. There has been so much love, so much giving, so many extra tight hugs, lingering kisses, spontaneous dances under the stars and moon, ridiculous amounts of champagne and wine, so few hours of sleep, so many Tylenol, smiles, laughs, excellent food, hands held and prayers prayed, cooking adventures, broken sinks, sweets, toasts and clinking glasses, music, friends, happy tears and gratitude.

Everyone has just been grateful for the warmth of family, friends and good health. Nothing else matters. We are so rich.

It’s difficult to put into words how full I am at this very moment so I won’t for now and perhaps the stories and pictures will slip out over the weeks. Or maybe they’ll stay inside my heart forever. Right now it just kind of feels like a secret that only twenty people get the know because they were there.

I hope you and your families were able to capture this same feeling over the past few days …

Love and gratitude.

Magic.

I just love everything about my Christmas tree.

Alright. So I’m way late getting on this boat but I figure since I really I want to be on it, that I’ll dive into the water and swim out as fast as possible, kind of like Ariel racing out to stop Eric and Ursula’s wedding. Ahem

A friend of a friend, James, is doing this over on his blog and when I read his entries, I’m all, “Oh, I should’ve done this!”

The Best of ‘09 Blog Challenge and all of it’s details can be found here. Really, this girl seems pretty cool and lax with the rules, so you can join in anytime.

Tonight, I’m going to do Day 1 – 10.

December 1 – Trip. What was your best trip in 2009?

I can honest to goodness say that I don’t remember taking a trip this year. Sadness! All of my family lives within a 10 minute drive and the disposable income was just not there to travel for fun. I think that’s something we’re going to have to change in 2010. At least a few jaunts up to Whistler, the interior next summer and maybe a get away over to the island for Colin and I. At least!

December 2 – Restaurant moment. Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What taste stands out in your mind?

My memory is such a horrendous thing. Right now, the one that sticks out in my mind was a day that both Col and I skipped work, dropped the girls off at daycare and headed to The Boathouse. We sat on a sunny patio in early summer, overlooking the ocean for a couple of hours; it was so free and spontaneous and magical … and a real treat for the both of us. I can’t remember what I ate, but it was delicious and the wait staff was awesome at lunch hour.

December 3 – Article. What’s an article that you read that blew you away? That you shared with all your friends. That you Delicious’d and reference throughout the year.

Since I don’t often read newspapers or magazines (shut it, Baker) … I’m going to have to choose blog post(s) that I thought were pretty amazing.

I shared this one by Jordan at SuperForest around the internet a lot. I thought it was spectacular for someone who likes to write and create.

Also, anything written by Jason Mraz on Freshness Factor Five Thousand rocked my world. I think I read his entire blog from conception in one (long) night.

Oh, and every single tribute I could get my paws on about Michael Jackson. Shush.

December 4 – Book. What book – fiction or non – touched you? Where were you when you read it? Have you bought and given away multiple copies?

I’m going to be a broken record here, but The Art of Happiness changed everything for me. I remember opening it in bed one night and being in wonder with this man and his faith. I haven’t given away copies, or my copy, because it’s actually Colin’s book if you can believe that. Hey, I was surprised when I found it on him.

December 5 – Night out. Did you have a night out with friends or a loved one that rocked your world? Who was there? What was the highlight of the night?

Two nights out were my very best. The first one was my girlfriend’s and one of Colin’s best friend’s wedding. It was THE best wedding I’ve ever been to in my life. No frills, brief, casual ceremony (the groom wore shorts and bride, a short, sexy number), sunny, hot summer night. Everyone glistening and looking and feeling sexy. Open bar. Good music. Lots of young people. I just felt like a million bucks that night. It was pretty much my own dream wedding!

Second was the Jason Mraz concert. I’ve written in detail about it already. Pure magic.

December 6 – Workshop or conference. Was there a conference or workshop you attended that was especially beneficial? Where was it? What did you learn?

None.

December 7 – Blog find of the year. That gem of a blog you can’t believe you didn’t know about until this year.

I Wrote This For You. Best blog in the world. Hands down.

Runner up goes to vancityrockgirl. This girl is amazing. Genuine, strong, sweet, deep at times, opinionated, funny, smart and downright awesome. I have to agree with James that she’s totally readable. Reading her diary-style blog is like sitting with a good friend everyday and just shootin’ the shit.

December 8 – Moment of peace. An hour or a day or a week of solitude. What was the quality of your breath? The state of your mind? How did you get there?

I think my greatest moment of peace (at least most recent moment) happened this weekend when understanding, words, forgiveness and thanks were had. I felt a calm and peace in my heart and soul afterward that was pretty indescribable. That and Colin had taken the girls out for the morning and the world was very quiet.

December 9 – Challenge. Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you?

Clawing my way out of a really dark hell I fell into in February. I didn’t just go the edge, but fell in deep and hard and my life was turned upside down in a way I never thought possible. I think true forgiveness of myself and others was the big challenge here and as many times as I said it over and over again that it had happened, it didn’t truly come until a month or two ago.

This has been a really fucked up year for me! The most of my entire life. I’m so beyond stoked to say goodbye to it and roll into a fresh new year with all of the lessons I’ve learned.

December 10 – Album of the year. What’s rocking your world?

Jason Mraz – We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things

What I wouldn’t give to live up in northern Ontario this time of year…

Where the dads make ice rinks in their backyards.

Where the hot cocoa flows.

Where a snow blower is a fixture, a tractor snow plow makes you the coolest person on the block and a snow shovel is child’s play.

Where skates line mud rooms amongst hockey sticks.

Where mass pandemonium doesn’t break at calls of flurries.

Where dinners out are at the local, privately owned diner.

Where sunshine shines and nature’s diamonds glint from snowbanks and rooftops.

Where rosy red cheeks and noses require kisses and warm breaths and a mother’s hot touch.

Where Tim Horton’s is a 5am trek and it’s coffee is a treat to the one you love, in bed.

Where kids know to pee before snowsuits are snapped in place.

Where you plug your car battery in each night.

A land of crackling, log-fueled fireplaces.

A land of snowmen.

A land of snowflakes falling on your nose, cheeks and tongue.

A land where toques and thick wool scarves are a necessity, not a fashion statement.

A land of silence.

A land where you hear a person’s approach to your house by the sound of the snow crunching beneath them.

A land of premium snow tires and chains.

A land of taking star-filled family walks toting thermal mugs of Baileys and hot chocolate in one hand and kiddie hot chocolate in the other.

A land where the moon stands solid, mighty and firm in a pitch black sky.

Where looking out of your bedroom window is a surprise every single waking moment.

Where families gather around frozen ponds.

Where kisses are had in front of fireplaces amongst candles.

Where shoveling a walkway is not a chore, rather, a pleasure.

Where the neighbor’s cold children pound on your door and ask, “Can Callie and Lily come out to play?” and you invite them to stand in your warm entrance to heat their frozen feet on radiant heated tiling.

Where the community gathers at pee wee hockey games, women sell their baked goods and 50/50 tickets … and dads are on the bench coaching.

What I wouldn’t give.

And all of that from a Canadian Tire commercial I saw this morning. Wow!

As the days go by and 2009 comes to an end, I find myself reflecting quite often from a really good place.

Last night I searched for a previous post and ended up reading my blog in its entirety. So much of the darkness and anger has been deleted, but thanks to the all-mighty Google Reader, I could read everything minus the items that I’d password protected before deleting … and to be perfectly honest, those posts aren’t something I would ever want to read again so I was grateful for that.

Still, wow. Geez. Wowers. Holy moly. 2009 was quite the year.

Following is a summary of what have been the most defining moments of ‘09, and quite possibly, my life.

Love Lost

Sometime in February I lost a constant friend and love so dear to my heart that it broke to the point of thinking it would kill me. The situation was so truly impossible, so impossibly real, really so wrong … but I was mad in love and thought wild thoughts and dreamed wild dreams and it was like being an addict on a euphoric wonder drug – a selfish addict with very little thought to six lives that were being affected by my actions in worlds both near and far.

When you’re that wildly in love with another soul – not a husband, father, provider but an individual – it seems like absolutely anything is possible doesn’t it? Fly? Sure. Move a mountain? Why not? Break six hearts so two can come together? Possibly. Experiencing love like that in friendship – regardless of if it was right or wrong – was so mighty and beautiful at the time. And when my greatest hopes and dreams and visions were shattered, on top of losing my closest friend, I went a bit crazy.

Crazy

Ahhh, crazy. Manic, obsessive, delusional, demented, lunatic, mad, psychotic, rabid, unbalanced, jealous, freaky, psycho-bitch crazy. Pain and anger spewing and gushing and leeching one minute, pretending to be so happy and well and declarations of being over it the next; sadness and suffering in its rawest form. I’m still shocked I had friends here at that point.

True Colours

Words written about me, to me, for me. Words that were meant to decimate and hurt and stab for whatever fucked up reasoning these people had; words I’ve forgotten but will forever remind me of the type of person, writer and tyrant I never want to become. Taking someone’s current suffering and pain – no matter whether they’ve created it for themselves or felt victimized or not – and stabbing it repeatedly within an inch of its death. These people sat on their asses and laptops being unknowing fifth parties, talking shit down from their pedestals to a hurting and weak target about something they were privy to very few details of. I say this with no hate, anger, negativity, hurt or victimization in my heart, but I say it very loudly, clearly, and blatantly and with as much honesty and strength as I can with a pen:

Fuck you.

And that goes for anyone who gets their validation, pleasure, peace of mind and shits and giggles from kicking someone when they’re down as well as anyone who gathers around to watch and fist pound each other while someone gets shit kicked.

Fuck you, too.

No human deserves that regardless of their mistakes whether they see them or not. That’s for them to learn for themselves, not for you to teach and nothing but human dysfunction and overinflated ego. Because of that I’ve been able not only to forgive myself for bullying I’ve done in my years as a blogger and fear mongering towards a man and family that did not deserve my wrath, but also these people who went out of their way to make sure my neck was in place on a curb and adequately stomped on.

And thank you to the others – whether you knew everything and all parties involved or not – for staying out of it regardless of how ridiculous and pitiful I was – and for sticking around. You guys have blown my mind with your shades and colours. You gave me hope and constant friendship when I had none of either.

Therapy

There came a point a few months later that I really couldn’t breathe, function, focus or go a day without crying over something. Weeks upon weeks were spent on some strange and wonderous auto-pilot that allowed me to get from point A to B to C and back. Everything at the time was a blur and I was really just a sad, pitiful, miserable mess. I drank a lot, smoked a lot, yelled a lot and pretended everything was okay a lot. It was not awesome and the big act was destroying me.

One day when shit was so utterly bleak and dreary and gray that I felt like I’d rather die than wake up one more morning to see a huge fuck up every time I looked in the mirror, I looked into the eyes of my daughters and decided to make a phone call. Two days later I was seeing a therapist. I don’t believe in antidepressants for myself, so it was either get help ASAP or else accidently jump in front of my AM Westbound train, and yes, I really did feel that much like shit.

Once a week, then every two weeks and then once a month, I sat in a small room in a beautiful, creaky old house filled with massage therapists, spiritual healers, aqua therapists and naturopaths. Sometimes all I did was cry for 55 minutes, other times I’d learn how to turn off autopilot and talk again – it was a bit like what I bet it feels like to be a baby but without being swaddled and held.

I’d never felt such a pure emotional release as I did when I was with my therapist … how amazing was it to tell an unbiased third party every single ugly detail of myself? Totally amazing. How freeing was it to say, “I’m the biggest fuck up in the entire world because I loved and trusted and believed and wanted something so badly with someone who was married with kids and a life nowhere near my own and in the process I broke the heart of a man I love very much – the father of my children – who never stopped loving me or believing in us”? Very.

And then nothing else mattered except being able to cry the ugly cry after my therapist smiled and said, “That’s very normal. So, what do you love about him, Jen?” The tears, oh my God. The breathing, the meditation, the opening of an emotional dam in a place that smelled of lavender and tea where I could say anything, feel anything and not worry about hurting another person.

It was so good for me … finding out that I’m actually normal and shit happens.

Anger

But I was still very, very angry and pissed off at myself for my shitty, ridiculous life. How did I get here, why did I let myself arrive at this fucked up place where no one is ever happy or appreciative and everything sucks? I was angry at the world and starting to get that restless feeling again, like, imagine if I just left one day and never came back.

Then one day Colin and I had an argument – I can’t remember what it was even about now – and I threw a laptop I’m still financing to this day onto ceramic tiling and killed it. It was in the following moments that I realized even though therapy was working in the healing of my heart and self confidence, anger still bubbled away in my veins and every single person and thing in the household was affected by my raging tantrums.

I had to take a good, long, solid look at myself in the mirror a few times a day and ask, “What the hell are you so angry about today?” I had to learn how to breathe properly and relax and most importantly, stop destroying electronics to make a point. Throwing shit like that isn’t normal and if something didn’t give, I’d probably hurt someone I loved in one of my rages.

Sadness

What happened next happened so fast and so intensely and it really kind of sucked. I let a handful of you read the grizzly details in a protected post, but basically, my heart was busted open once again and my world was ending again and how much can a person’s heart break in one year before it becomes permanently broken? I depended 100% on you guys to tell me what to do. It was the final blow and I was in no shape to do anything except write about it and it was you guys who picked me up, brushed me off, straightened my shoulders, gave me a huge hug, knocked my chin back up and pushed me forward. I learned the true meaning of what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger … how to let things go, move on and that the past really is, history.

Quitting a Career

In late July I cut ties to a company that took me in as a mere baby at 22, educated me, taught me and paid me an excellent income and bonuses. After I had children, they rolled with the waves of my motherhood by providing me with full-time, part-time and weekend-only employment as I needed it. Knowing that I always had my foot in the door and an option to go back was my financial and sanity safety net. But one day I just couldn’t take it anymore – dropping my kids off at daycare … the deadlines … the office politics … being so busy that I brought work home every night and did that instead of spending time with Colin or taking care of myself – and left for good, letting a girl with no children or responsibilities take my spot. I cut my safety net away to raise my children for the last year before they start their own educations.

Not having that safety net has allowed me to really think about what I want to do with my life and being a career woman in the financial industry is most definitely not it. In leaving, I’ve been able to dream, research and look deep into my heart to discover what I’d like to do with the rest of my life … and as a result, I’ve found a calling with endless fulfillment and promise.

Jason Mraz

Being able to see Jason Mraz perform live was one of the highlights of my year. Sure, I enjoy his music and going to the show was an exciting prospect. What I didn’t expect was something to change inside of me that night. You see, that dude grooves. He’s ridiculously gentle and positive and inspiring and the light that oozes out of him is wonderous. In concert, he insists that you drop your fear of looking stupid and insecurities. He makes you participate by singing and dancing and high fiving strangers sitting around you. He uses words like brothers and sisters and family and one love and the way he moves his body and uses his voice is so mighty and free. He has no fear and his ease and peace is felt and absorbed. Most importantly, he’s eternally grateful for life and love and expresses his gratitude to the world through his art. The result is a truly magical person.

That night, I left my fear at GM Place and became free. I became grateful to be alive and love became the only thing that defines me; it became my religion. I learned that love is the most powerful action in the entire world and practice it every single day as fiercely as I can. As a result, I’ve become tolerant, compassionate, empathetic, aware … and really fucking happy.

So yeah, I love you and her and him and them over there. If you ever need to hear it let me know because you’re beautiful and awesome in so many ways. Yes, you.

Closure

The greatest gift. That is all.

The Dalai Lama and Buddhism

Reading The Art of Happiness changed my life. I’ve never been a religious person or had a faith, but if I were to choose one, it would be Buddhism. I spend time every single day meditating and empathizing and it’s so damn hard sometimes but it’s grounded me; my wonder drug.

I’ve become further aware, understanding, conscious and tolerant of my human family in a world that used to disappoint, scare and anger me so much.

Falling in Love

I fell head over heels in love recently with this guy. Solid, pure, tangible, passionate, feather-light, fun, true and constant love. Love that hurts no one, instead, brings smiles to people’s faces.

And I am so, so grateful. Falling in love with your best friend for a second time – eight years after the first time – is the most amazing and exciting feeling in the world.

He’s no longer a provider, partner, father. He’s a person with dreams, ideas, talents, visions, passions, loves, insecurities and fears; it’s taken us both a long time and a lot of mistakes to realize that about each other.

I’m so madly and deeply in love with this man and every single day, without fail, I make sure he knows it. I make sure that not only does his mouth smile, but that his heart smiles and that’s what makes me smile.

We fuel each other’s fires and the end result is something I can’t even put into words.

Give. It’s all about the give.

Last night we slow danced after our company left. I can’t remember what songs we danced to, but what I do remember was tons of groove and sync, laughter, smiles and afterwards when I grabbed his face and said, “I’m so fucking in love with you, Colin” … haha, I didn’t even know how else to put it into words without swearing.

And then butterflies lifted me up to cloud 9 where I gave my daily gratitude and thanks for being so goddamn ALIVE.

I wouldn’t change a single thing about 2009 and I thank every single person who contributed to it.

Today I’m truly drowning in love and happiness; I never thought it possible. I hope it lasts forever.

Last night while laying in bed, Col and I decided to try something new (shut it, peanut gallery) …

We each took a turn telling the other something more than the typical “I love you” and “sweet dreams” and “OMG, I’m soooooo tired, I really hope the girls sleep in!”

I told him that he was my balance, strength, light, calm and tranquility when I feel like I have none, my motivating force; the only person who brings me total and utter peace when things get overwhelming.

He told me that my found spirituality, nature and love remind him of being a child and having dreams. He told me that in his busy days of commuting and working that I give him inspiration to be more, to dream more and to seek out his passions … and that it’s his favorite thing to come home to.

Quite possibly, it was the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard from this man I’ve been with for almost 8 years. I had no idea of the impact I make on his life on a daily basis.

You see, Colin often gets home between 7 and 8pm. On most days he basically walks in to me at the end of my rope as 7:45am to 8pm can be a long day with two four year olds who rarely nap anymore.

He comes in and sometimes I’m short and snappy and need help but I don’t often ask because here he is working 12 hour days to give us the life we have. But sometimes my head wants to explode and he knows that just by looking at me and takes over the bedtime routine without a word spoken.

I grab a glass of wine, crash somewhere and feel bad that I couldn’t manage the day in full from beginning to end and that I even allowed myself become overwhelmed to the point of snapping. And then he comes over and hugs me and tells me what a good job I’ve done, even if I haven’t really done much, makes me laugh about something – at myself mostly which feels really good – and I’m finally at my peaceful place with our girls sleeping and the day coming to an end.

See? Peace. When I’ve misplaced mine, Colin is there to help me find it.

Still, he doesn’t often get a taste of me like my readers of this blog do. At least I didn’t think so.

So last night I decided to change that. If I’m practicing love as a faith, it should definitely be practiced on my man first and I feel sometimes like I totally fail on that.

But when I heard those words come out of his mouth … that he actually notices … that I inspire him to dream like a child … it ignited a thousand fires within. It was like a nod from one of the most important people in my life signaling that I’m on the right path, doing the right thing. And holy moly was that ever music to my ears on top of being the most positive motivator to crash down the barrier I was stressing about yesterday.

ღ¸♪•°´*ღ.¸

Sharing on that level was one of the truly most passionate things I’ve ever done while laying in bed (fully clothed that is). I urge you to do the same sometime, too. We all need more passion … it’s such a shame looking around and seeing some people passionate about very little or nothing and just bitching about the minor irritations in life. Bah. That’s no way to live at all.

If you’re lucky enough to love someone, cup their face, look them in the eye and tell them exactly why. Not just I love you, not just I need you, not just I want you. Because you don’t need anything and your wants don’t matter when you’re giving … you’ll get back what you give … it’s fact!

Go deep into your heart, shake off any shyness or awkwardness (I totally felt shy when talking to Col so deeply but in effect I had long forgotten butterflies so it was worth it) and tell them what it is about them that you adore and the impact they have on your life. We don’t do it enough and “I love you” sometimes just doesn’t cut it when it’s said as part of a daily routine.

Break free of routine, obligatory words and motions …

Make love a verb, a constant action. Wow … just like happiness, love isn’t a thing! A person can’t find love or happiness, they must constantly create it, weave it, be it, give it. Wonderous! Hey, it only took me 30 years to figure that one out for myself and now that I have it’s mighty

LOL. Oh, wow. Yes, I’m such a geek … but at least a happy one <3

And Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow to my friends in the States! Be sure to spend your day off giving constant gratitude for all the beauty and wonder surrounding you and for being alive and well to enjoy it xo

ღ¸♪•°´*ღ.¸

In this house, weekend mornings are super chill. Slooooow Mo. No clocks, no plans, no obligations. One of my favourite things to do on a Saturday is listen to a little inspiring music, pour a fresh cup of coffee and do a good meme.

So this morning it’s all about Explosions in the Sky ‘Birth and Death of a Day‘ – which I believe is the most inspiring musical creation in the history of music … oh my GOD, this song and video are so good that my mind wants to explode in pleasure after I do something wild like grow wings and fly around the world sprinkling golden fairy dust while kissing millions of cheeks and delivering taser shots of love … it’s seriously so inspiring and gorgeous … a reminder of why I’m alive … to experience beautiful things like this.

Oh, and a meme my friend, Raino, shared on her blog earlier.

So, so much love to her … she’s a gem. Her generous and giving spirit will be remembered every Christmas when I set out the beautiful tree skirt she sent me last year from across the country.

As for the meme, it’s a deep thinking one and I love it. Let’s do it …

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Perfect happiness, hmmm. For me it’d be a combination of excellent health … madly and passionately loving and being loved … the ability to create something beautiful everyday … to give myself to the world in a way that would bring light, hope and joy to people’s lives who are less fortunate than myself … opening my bedroom window to sunshine and breathing in clean, fresh air every morning then drinking a glass of fresh squeezed juice made from the oranges I just picked off the tree in my backyard.

What is your greatest fear?

Forgetting people, experiences, feelings, memories.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

None.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Ego, negativity, desperation to fit in or being without passion.

What is your greatest extravagance?

An hour all to myself in a hot bath, glass of wine to sip.

What is your current state of mind?

Ease, peace, calm, inspired, open.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Kindness, passion, compassion and the ability to love and be loved.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Kindness, passion, compassion and the ability to love and be loved.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Amazing and awesome! I think a new world is due … amasome … awezing … ?

When and where were you happiest?

In this moment.

Who are your favorite writers?

The thinkers and dreamers, the songwriters and poets, the ones who inspire and who aim to touch the stars and beyond.

Which talent would you most like to have?

To dance like Michael Jackson or one of his dancers in This Is It.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

Our location – I’d love to steal them away to a warmer climate at the edge of the ocean in a hippie-esque community away from urban sprawl and pollution. A simpler, cleaner way of life.

If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

A wandering, adventuring soul with only a notebook and camera.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

Nothing. Acceptance and self-love is a pretty amazing thing.

Where would you like to live?

Like I said before, a warmer climate at the edge of the ocean in a hippie-esque community away from urban sprawl and pollution. Somewhere I can grow gardens, flowers and orange and lemon trees.

What is your most treasured possession?

My photos.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Being without love or the ability to love.

What do you most value in your friends?

Ease, laughter, the ability to share themselves as well as listen, sing, dance, smile, cry and hug … and the ability to have comfortable silences and quiet contemplation in each other’s presence.

What are your favorite names?

Callie and Lily … but also, Brooklyn. That’s what I was going to name my daughter if I had only one.

What is it that you most dislike?

Wet cold, alarm clocks, negativity, angry, egotistical and harsh people, close mindedness.

What is your greatest regret?

No regrets, baby. I’ve loved my entire journey so far.

How would you like to die?

Suddenly … like if Earth just exploded into dust in the universe.

What is your motto?

Focus on the moment. Be love.

Weird! This morning I took a cruise through my old Huckdoll’s Hood blog archives trying to find out when I flunked out of NaBloPoMo ‘08 and found this, written on this day last year. It’s a weird feeling to read it and be transported back in time, yet not even recognize the person who wrote it. So in the spirit of happiness and positivity, I present to you,

Most Depressing Post Ever
Most Cheering Post Ever

November 16, 2008
November 16, 2009

I guess the NaBloPoMo gods woke me up to make sure I got a post in or something because I’m cutting it really close here.
NaBloPoMo gods?? If there were such ridiculous things, they’d have to bite me because I’m a good hour away from cutoff as I write this.

(Note: In ‘08 my last NaBloPoMo post was November 17 before I flunked out. If I can make it to Wednesday, I think I’ll have me a win – a personal best that is. Another interesting (to me) fact is that I unknowingly used that Get Out of Hell Free card on the exact same day as last year, but last year because I was emotionally strung out and tired; this year because I was awesome and went out with big people. Still … coincidences like that are wonderful and weird to strange cookies like me)

The facts:

I’ve been asleep since 7:30pm, my girls since 5:30pm.
I’ve yet to go to bed but I’ll be under my blankets the moment this is published, my girls have been sleeping since 9pm. I love sleep and am super passionate about (and good at) it. I wonder if I do it well enough and learn all the ins and outs of snoring, sleep walking, talking, drooling and teeth grinding that maybe I can make like a mainstream mommy blogger, gather my fellow army of sleep lovers and throw up a big ruckus demanding to get paid for our dedication to the Zzzzzzs. Because we are good at it and deserve to be compensated for our passion, dammit! *stomps foot*

Baby Daddy and I are no longer together, obviously.
COLIN (how did I get away with ‘Baby Daddy’ for so long guys? Ick.) is sitting beside me watching Mission Impossible and hockey highlights. He’s cute in his gray snowboarding toque, blue jeans and Earth t-shirt.

It doesn’t feel good nor am I happy about it, but it was my doing. Again.
It feels really good and I am ridiculously happy about it. Getting to this point has been a long, uneven, pothole covered, roadkill dodging, foggy, bumpy road and it was both of our doings; both of us navigating together. For the first time.

I’m not looking for sympathy here. I made this bed.
Making beds is overrated.

Functioning is quite hard but I am managing to do it until my girls fall asleep. Then I stop.
Functioning is my favourite thing to do after sleeping and I do so fully, easily and happily until my girls fall asleep. Then I stop and drink some wine.

My eyes are tired and sore and heavy and the reason I fell asleep at 7:30 was more just because I needed a break from crying.
My eyes are fine but you know what? No one tells you as they jab you with the flu shot that your arm is going to basically swell in pain, rot and fall off for three days. Today I woke up with a fully attached and functioning left arm and what do I do? Smash my right elbow into the corner of a wall while gracefully doing laundry, sending shooting pains up and down my arm and rendering it less useful than my swine shot arm was. I cried inside.

Today was really hard emotionally.
Today was a bit of a mental challenge with it being the 3rd day of the Pineapple Express rainstorm, but emotionally? All med-free groove, man.

I don’t think I’ve smiled even once.
I think I’ve smiled at least 20 times each hour of today. I’m smiling right now, can’t you tell?

I want to make this blog private but I don’t have the energy or motivation to do it right now.
Bah. There’s nothing on this blog I’d waste my time on besides writing it. Life’s too short to obsess over blogging (except during NaBloPoMo) especially since the world will probably, at worst, end in 2012 and at best, the internet will die. Who’s going to care about their blogs then? We’ll have to tell our stories face to face. No online!! I KNOW.

I wish I had a hand to hold or a hug or anything.
I’m holding hundreds, thousands, millions of hands every day as I feel extremely connected to humankind. The most special ones are those of my girls and the handsome man sitting beside me right now and for that I am truly blessed.

I am probably not okay, but I will be soon I guess.
I am happy in such abundance that it’s overwhelming sometimes. I made this for myself and there is so much life changing power in fully grasping the concepts of love, compassion, giving and happiness.

Okay, I’m going back to bed now.
Okay. I’m going to bed now <3

“The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places, those nights spent awake and all you’ve done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit. The good news is, this wouldn’t be the first time someone’s crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell.”

- I Wrote This For You … “The Ground Will Give Way“

I want to give you a gift to make you smile but I don’t know what you love. My hope is that if I share with you the things I love most, that one of them will be perfect.

So what’s it going to be? …

~ The Moon ~

I would probably catch you gazing into the sky, announcing the full moon, reading horoscopes and believing in the fates.

To you I gift the most powerful of telescopes and a map to a cozy spot under a vast black sky where you will observe constellations and untouched planets for the rest of your nights. A million stars will shine for you and there will be no shortage of shooting stars to make wishes upon.

~ Spa Bathroom ~

You love peace, tranquility, meditation, warmth, clean white spaces, wood and beautiful aromas.

You will have a spa bathtub, candles, the softest of towels straight from the dryer, your favourite music playing quietly in the background and the most pure and organic bath luxuries at your disposal.

~ Whistler, BC ~

You’re likely in love with mountain sports and fresh air. Boutique shops, gourmet foods and apres ski pitchers in a laid back village setting. You relish first tracks, freshies and waking up in darkness to avoid lift lines. You love watching soft snow fall from your place in an outdoor hot tub or from inside on a chair beside the fire.

To you I gift mountain passes, top of the line gear, no lift lines, first tracks, reservations in the finest gourmet establishments, ski in/out accommodations with private outdoor hot tub, VIP to your favourite clubs and bars … and endless snowfall.

~ Flowers ~

Your heart skips a beat when the man in your life sends you a bouquet or brings flowers home from work for no reason. You have many shapes and sizes of vases as well as spots you display your beauty. You spend time admiring arrangements, carefully cutting stems, stopping into florists to inhale and you adore garden centers and nurseries. You inhale and take pictures of gorgeous blooms and you have a garden to which you tend. Spring is probably your favourite time of year.

To you I gift a home in the hills of Maui, Hawaii. You will play under waterfalls and frolic in fields of plumeria and other native exotics. While weaving leis, you’ll sit with a bloom behind your ear sipping a Mai Tai as the trade winds assault you with fragrance.

~ Hockey ~

You watch every game your team plays but you also have alternate teams you cheer on; you may be part of a fantasy league. You dream of seasons tickets in your home ice arena and have no plans of ever missing a single one even in if it falls on holidays or birthdays. You’re the owner of at least one team jersey which you put on hours before the game begins, you know the words to both Canadian and American national anthems but only sing your own country’s out loud, you love the smell of ice and you’ve probably paid (or are willing to pay) a mortgage payment to see your team in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Beer is your drink of choice and hockey is life. A huge void is most likely felt at the beginning of off-season.

To you I gift seasons tickets with your choice of seats for the rest of your years and non-stop beer. You’ll catch a puck, pound fist to glove with your goalie after a winning game and a jersey autographed by the team. Your team will win the Stanley Cup and you’ll be there to witness it. (And this gift is transferable to your preferred sport)

~ Wine ~

You don’t have wineglasses, you have stemware – a type for every wine and occasion – that you delicately hand wash. Wine is something you look forward to as a full experience. You savour it. You feel a bottle in your hands … uncork it, pour it, swirl it, inhale it’s notes,  hold a beautiful glass to the light and study it’s colours, reflections and depth. Sip.

To you I gift endless wine; the best the world has to offer. You will sit with a favourite  friend under the stars and sample your treasures any night you please. There will be guaranteed drunkness, laughter, excellent conversation, good food to fill your belly, perfect music to fill your soul … no hangover.

~ Music ~

You love music and always have. Your earliest memories might be of your parents forcing you to listen to vinyl on a record player and you have a vast knowledge of and open mindedness to all genres of music. Music was, and continues to be, playing the background. Anything goes because you crave sound … you have an extensive music library … you’re a concert go’er and reviewer. Without music, your life would feel quite empty.

For you, I gift music. Your most loved musicians and bands will perform in your city monthly … big shows, small shows, acoustic shows … however you’ve dreamed them, they will be. Your playlist will be gifted with one new song every morning that you absolutely fall in love with because it’s written for you, about you and your journey. Sometimes it makes your cry and others make you kiss your fist and touch the sky. You’ll have top quality equipment and gadgets to listen to or create music, which are constantly replenished with technology advancements.

~ New York City at Christmas ~

I’m not sure who you are but if you’re anything like me you love the city. Maybe you don’t love city life, but you feed off the energy of cities and all they have to offer. You’re most likely a free spirit with good walking shoes, health and energy to walk all day long without time schedules or things to do. You have no fear of the unknown. You dream of skating at Rockefellar Center and siting on a bench in Central Park with coffee, people watching.

For you, I gift New York City at Christmas and all of the magic it holds. The weather will be freezing and perfect … the first flakes of Winter will fall on the cold, rosy cheek of your love with whom you will skate and roam the city hand in hand. You will have infinite amounts of money to visit landmarks, do your Christmas shopping, reservations at restaurants of your choice and a week long stay at a luxury hotel. This gift will reoccur each year in the Christmas season.

~ Perfect jeans ~

You tend to despise shopping for jeans and perhaps never leave a shop completely satisfied. Maybe you prefer sweats and yoga pants because jeans just aren’t comfortable and ‘mom bum’, sag or too tight might be what you see when you look in the mirror. Even if you do wear denim all of the time, they’re never ‘the’ perfect jeans.

Well, I’ve found the perfect jeans and am wearing them right now. The place I bought them is a store specializing in denim and once I figured out my waist and length sizes I had dozens of fits and washes/rinses to choose. I walked out with three pairs and they all fit like a glove, keep their original shape and I seriously love them. My gift to you is the name of this amazing store, a denim shopping spree and a forever jean-clad, smackable, sexy ass.

~ Notebooks ~

You’re a writer, artist, diarist, list maker, doodler, poet. You create your beauty on paper in favoured notebooks. Your magic is not found online in your blog, rather, in ink or pencil. A lover of book stores, libraries and stationary shops, you find peace and serenity in quiet moments. If you’re like me, you like to be alone with your notebooks and thoughts; you are a dreamer.

To you I gift quiet moments of contemplation, an endless supply of your preferred notebooks, writing tools and books. You will have a comfortable, peaceful spot to utilize whenever you need to get away from it all, to create your written magic.

~~~

So, my friend, I ask you … which of these gifts would bring the biggest smile to your face and heart today?

]]> http://eternallyhuckdoll.wordpress.com/2009/11/07/id-love-to-see-your-smile-today/feed/ 6 Huckdoll the moon spa boarding flowers hockey wine music new york jeans notebook http://eternallyhuckdoll.wordpress.com/2009/10/09/unoffical-friday-fragments/ http://eternallyhuckdoll.wordpress.com/2009/10/09/unoffical-friday-fragments/#comments Fri, 09 Oct 2009 07:30:19 +0000 Huckdoll http://eternallyhuckdoll.wordpress.com/?p=3437 ]]>

Cookie?

I often wonder – after baking up a batch of chocolate chip cookies from scratch – why I ever bought Pillsbury? Only twice, but still …

~~~

I can do anything ~

2009 and 2010 is a time for self-exploration. Next September I’m going back to school; it’s my second chance at learning … and at loving learning.

Everyday I think of something different ~

Photography …
Learning to sew and making beautiful scarves, dresses and tops out of fine fabrics from exotic locales; it would give Colin and I a reason to see and show our daughters the world …
Make jewelry and trinkets and sell at trade shows, farmers markets, Etsy, etc. …
Massage therapy …
Alternative therapies (acupuncture, reflexology, etc.) …

And the biggie I was researching tonight …

Naturopathic medicine, weighing in at four years full time schooling or six years fast tracked part-time on nights and weekends.

And that would be after a year of upgrading my sciences at the community college and a ton of extra stuff to prove I want to learn and provide – and have passion for – alternative healing.

Then it’s just a matter of coming up with about $25,000. The cost deters me a bit if I’m being perfectly honest, but I believe that naturopathy will grow and expand as people become more conscious of themselves and what they’re putting into their bodies and turn to natural therapies over chemical therapies; I know that I would be able to pay my loans of quickly.

Something major to consider and really … what else will I have to do after the girls go to school in September? Not sit around making cookies that’s for sure … and not flitting off to yoga and power step classes that’s for sure. I want to DO something rather than sit waiting for my life to walk through the door after their busy days.

I want to do something big. Something bigger than I’ve ever done in my life. Something big that doesn’t revolve around being near a computer. Something big not working for someone who is getting rich off my blood, sweat and tears.

Something big out in the real world. Helping people, healing, teaching. Beauty. Creating beautiful things to see and feel and wear; things from my heart to yours.

So I continue exploring.

~~~

I’m logging off for awhile now, at least from my blog.

It’s Thanksgiving long weekend in Canada and the festivities start off tomorrow night with friends coming over for drinks {I’ll be the recluse inside rather than outside freezing my ass off smoking with everyone ~ and proud of myself for it}

The rest of the weekend is full of turkey {at my Dad’s Saturday}, prime rib {at my Mom’s Sunday} and a ton of love and family.

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians and happy weekend to the rest of you.

~~~

I allow great and wonderful things to come to me
I give more love
I get more love
I relax more
I get excited more
I rejoice more
I appreciate more
I go within more
I expand without more
I circulate more
I get encircled more
Simply because, I allow more