just more

30Dec09

Perhaps it’s a new decade en route that’s turning on these inspiration, change and action switches. I’ve never been a huge resolution or goal setter … I’m more of a drink a bottle of champagne, get ridiculous and throw my full pack of cigarettes off the balcony at midnight kinda gal.

This year is different though. I mean, it’s a new decade with a zero at the end. It’s so big. We’ve got another block of ten solid years now to do shit and look back in the days before December 31, 2019 and go, wow … we did something.

The concept is mind boggling in ways that I can’t even begin to describe, so forgive me if it’s just another year to you. To me it’s massive.

It’s like, okay … I’m done dicking around now. I’ve had my experiences, learned an ocean full of lessons, loved hard, hurt hard, lived hard, played hard, struggled hard and dreamed hard.

Over the span of ten years I’ve accomplished and grown a lot. Girl to woman. Club kid to having kids. Hating myself to loving myself. Walking in the door and going to bed at 6am to walking out the door and going to work at 6am.

I’ve come a long way when I think that at this exact time ten years ago, my nose was inches above a neat line of cocaine a top a glass mirror at the first party of a week long bender in Whistler to welcome in the year 2000.

2000 – 2009. Epic ten years. Fun years. Drunk years. Learning years. Heart swelling and heart shattering years. Broke years. Growing up years. Baby years. Learning to be a mom years. Coming into myself years.

And now it’s time to take all of that wonderous life, put it in bucket and throw it on the fire I have building inside.

A new decade.

Ten years to make magic happen, to travel, to create, to have green plants, to stop talking about it and start putting it into action, to detoxify my body, to drink water and glow, to drink tea, to eat green things, to reduce, to move into a home for my children to grow in, to date this amazing man who seems to adore me, to ask for help from family and friends and stop pretending like I’ve got it all under control all of the time, to continue doing everything hard and with passion, to never smile and say everything’s okay when everything is not okay as I’ve done so much on this blog in the past, to dream the wildest dreams, to carry a notebook and camera and record life as it happens, to kiss more and hug harder and say I love you – I seriously, madly, truly love you – as much as possible, to create good food, to live minimally and without clutter, to eliminate all debt and save money, to become educated, to help you realize your full potential and beauty, to tell you what I see in you, to encourage your passions, to make sure you know you’re significant and that I believe in you and your dreams.

To smile.

I think the world needs more.

More belief in the impossible.
More sleeping to dream.
More beauty.
More plants.
More giving.
More creation.
More books.
More water.
More action.
More positivity.
More inspiration.
More tea.
More hope.
More soul.
More great love stories.
More peace.
More real.
More glow.
More ease.
More giving.
More helping.
More handwriting.
More sharing.
More forgiveness.
More random acts of kindness.
More saving.
More evolving.
More letting go.
More outside the box.
More hands outstretched.
More adventure.
More understanding.
More breathing.
More unique.
More minimal.
More health.
More green.
More individual.
More passion.

Just more.

I’m going to be more. That’s my resolution.

2010 thru 2019?

‘Tis our decade. Lets make it matter.

Filed under: heart, self   |  7 Comments

best of ‘09 blog challenge – part 3

27Dec09

Okay, I am determined to finish the Best of ‘09 Blog Challenge and today is part three of four. All of it’s details can be found here.

December 18 – Shop. Online or offline, where did you spend most of your mad money this year?

Well, since I have kids this is going to be an extremely boring answer because the truth is, most of my money has gone towards groceries, other essentials and arts and crafts projects for them.

December 19 – Car ride. What did you see? How did it smell? Did you eat anything as you drove there? Who were you with?

Another boring answer. I’ve been thinking of this one forever but since I don’t recall really doing any significant road trips in ‘09 there haven’t been that many memorable car rides aside from the journeys to local lakes, beaches and family attractions. Always fun and exciting, but not entirely notable.

December 20 – New person. She came into your life and turned it upside down. He went out of his way to provide incredible customer service. Who is your unsung hero of 2009?

I guess I’ll say my therapist. She was able to make me feel comfortable and at ease enough to work out some pretty serious mental issues earlier this year.

December 21 – Project. What did you start this year that you’re proud of?

Daily meditation and spirituality. More a way of life, but the act has been very grounding and balancing for me.

December 22 – Startup. What’s a business that you found this year that you love? Who thought it up? What makes it special?

I think I’ll take a pass on this one. I’m sure there’s something but I can’t recall much in my post-Christmas haze.

December 23 – Web tool. It came into your work flow this year and now you couldn’t live without it. It has simplified or improved your online experience.

I’m not really a web tool kinda gal. I’ve found myself gravitating more toward old school styles with lists and notebooks and pens for managing my life. I’ve been trying to reduce my web time a little these past few months and managing anything about it online is kind of against the purpose.

December 24 – Learning experience. What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?

Gee, that’s a loaded question for me. ‘09 has been the most changing year of my life and lessons were had throughout the entire thing. I guess a few highlights:

1. Giving. I’ve learned that if you give yourself and put your heart and soul 100% into whomever or whatever it is – kids, relationship, sex, love, friends, romance, cooking, cleaning, work, writing, taking pictures, family, projects, home, etc. … that you usually get amazing results.

2. Selflessness and kindness are the most beautiful things about a person.

3. Love is the appropriate reaction, most of the time.

4. Regret, worry, grudges and “what ifs” are nothing but useless thought and poison to the mind.

December 25 – Gift. What’s a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?

Forgiveness. It took a very long time to give myself that, but as soon as I did my entire life changed for the better and the world became bright and beautiful.

December 26 – Insight or aha! moment. What was your epiphany of the year?

Every single day holds insight, an aha! moment and hidden epiphany. I can hold a flower or rock in my hand, feel a connection to it and I go, “Aha! This is a part of me and I am part of this” … I can sit in an arena at a concert or game and feel a collective energy and realize that passionate people together are so powerful, alive and beautiful … look up at the moon and stars or feel the heat of the sun and realize that it connects every single person in the world … or how completely insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things … wear a cotton t-shirt and feel connected to humanity by understanding every single being that made wearing that t-shirt possible.

Yes, it’s very weird and wonderful in my head

Every waking moment holds a new epiphany these days. Can’t pick one.

December 27 – Social web moment. Did you meet someone you used to only know from her blog? Did you discover Twitter?

Social web moments? Umm, no. The web isn’t worthy of a ‘moment’ to remember for me. It’s a great and powerful tool, of course, but one I’m trying to/planning to further reduce from my day to day life in order to capture the real life moments with my kids, Colin, family, friends and our environment.

December 28 – Stationery. When you touch the paper, your heart melts. The ink flows from the pen. What was your stationery find of the year?

Mmmm, stationary. Yeah, it’s in the top three of my favorite things in the entire world. I’ll have to go with Moleskine products, hands down. Not a new find this year but it doesn’t matter because no other paper product will compare in quality and creative inspiration. I’m actually jonesin’ to go stock up for ‘10 right now.

Filed under: self   |  3 Comments

magic

26Dec09

As I sit down to write a long overdue post I wonder how do I even begin to explain magic? Which words are fitting to describe something that only myself and twenty family and friends were privy to?

How do I tell you about this fullness in my heart and happiness in my entire being and to whom do I give thanks for the total and complete beauty that was December 24th and 25th?

I don’t know.

There are so many stories to tell, so many thoughts and feelings to share, absolutely heartfelt gifts to mention and thanks to be given to twenty people who contributed to the magic.

I’ve been sitting here for over an hour attempting to write the events of the past few days. There has been so much love, so much giving, so many extra tight hugs, lingering kisses, spontaneous dances under the stars and moon, ridiculous amounts of champagne and wine, so few hours of sleep, so many Tylenol, smiles, laughs, excellent food, hands held and prayers prayed, cooking adventures, broken sinks, sweets, toasts and clinking glasses, music, friends, happy tears and gratitude.

Everyone has just been grateful for the warmth of family, friends and good health. Nothing else matters. We are so rich.

It’s difficult to put into words how full I am at this very moment so I won’t for now and perhaps the stories and pictures will slip out over the weeks. Or maybe they’ll stay inside my heart forever. Right now it just kind of feels like a secret that only twenty people get the know because they were there.

I hope you and your families were able to capture this same feeling over the past few days …

Love and gratitude.

Magic.

Filed under: LOVE, heart, la famille   |  7 Comments

writing a letter 101

21Dec09

In your arms is my safest place in the world …

You’ve got the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen …

I love the way you blush so easily …

Remember when you used to tell me fairy tales to fall asleep to? I still haven’t forgotten those …

Your support – no matter how wrong my decisions and actions have been in the past – has been one of the most important gestures of love I’ve ever experienced in my life …

I miss driving around aimlessly and singing with you in the early AM hours and stopping to watch the sun rise …

I don’t know what I’d do without our daily 45 minute long phone calls …

Thank you for being my constant friend and never letting go of my hand …

You look absolutely adorable fresh out of the shower …

That comment you left meant more to me than you’ll ever know …

Every time you kiss me on the cheek on the way out the door, sunshine fills my morning even on the rainiest days …

We’ve had so many fierce arguments but in the end you always make sure that I know you love me. You’ve taught me the true meaning of forgiveness and never going to sleep angry …

Your laugh makes me laugh …

Your mouth and lips have made me compare every other person’s to yours and no one’s have ever come close …

You live so far away … in another city, province, country or continent … but I dream of popping over and sharing a bottle of wine with you …

Remember that time we sat in your parked car listening to Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ rocking out to it’s awesomeness on repeat the first day it came out? I’ll never forget that hour as long as I live and every time I hear it I think of you and me that night …

Remember sitting on your patio in the ghetto smoking joint after joint, drinking No Name orange punch overlooking the highway while making plans to bust out of that hell on earth? Remember how shitty we thought it was at the time? Well, I’d give anything to be back on that patio in the ghetto overlooking the highway with you. It was magic.

When you dress up in my clothes and shoes and call yourselves Jennifer, my heart melts. You want to be me and I want you to be you but you have no idea how much that makes my heart smile …

I love when you talk. Your voice is like music to my ears and all I want to do is sit there silently and listen to you say words …

You are the one person in this world I want to lay beneath the sky and watch shooting stars with …

Thank you for not stopping making me laugh until you see tears down my cheeks …

Thank you for reading my blog. I’m not a writer or funny or popular and a lot of this is just thinking out loud for no rhyme or reason … but the fact you actually make a point of coming here and reading my words makes happy and makes me want to share my thoughts more often. I adore and appreciate your friendship …

Thank you for having passion in life. You inspire me to create and dream and believe in myself and it’s a real honour to know you …

Thank you for having an opinion of your own, for being your own and for not being swayed by trends, fads and cool kids. You’re good people and the universe has something special in store for you …

Thank you for being honest with me while being kind at the same time. It’s a skill that not too many people have and it’s very refreshing …

You’re etched into my soul forever and I wouldn’t have it any other way …

Thanks for sharing that song/video/thought/quote/picture … it made me stop, think and feel something different for a moment. Every time I hear it, see it or read it I think of you …

When you call me beautiful it makes me feel like a princess …

You are destined for greatness and I can’t wait to see you succeed. When you do, I’ll be there giving a toast and celebrating the night away with you …

Your smile is the most beautiful thing about you …

Your photos and creations are things of pure beauty. I hope you realize that and pursue it as a career one day. I will be one of your most devoted customers …

I can’t wait to walk down an aisle to your side, surrounded by our family and friends wearing a pretty dress and holding white lilies tied with a simple white ribbon. And how handsome and charming you will look …

I can’t wait to fight back tears from the moment I wake up that morning till they flood when you read what will probably be some deep and poetic words. I can’t wait for you to make me and everyone laugh to lighten the atmosphere, as you do so well. I can’t wait to breathe a sigh of relief when the last tear has fallen and the only tears that await me are the ones of pure happiness in the fact every single person we love is in one room enjoying themselves.

I can’t wait for a night of good music and dancing and champagne and excellent food to celebrate US finally putting a ring on it. I can’t wait for that party …

And if we can never afford that party, I still can’t wait to grow old with you and wake up every single morning next to you. When our girls are grown and gone, I want the twenty year old us’s to be reborn and while we might not be able to smoke the weed or drink the drinks or walk around the city forever and hike the highest peaks like we used to, I want to see the world with your hand in mine …

You are my best friend in the world …

I love you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ve heard and read so many people ask this time of year, “What do I get for the person who has everything?”

And I often want to say, “Write him/her a letter”

The art of pen to paper is dying and it’s a sad trend.

You might think it’s hard or goofy or pointless in a shiny, technology enhanced world … but it’s the one thing that your loved ones can look back on when everything else is broken beyond repair.

Find some paper, pick up a pen and write a letter. Three or four are going to be written over the next couple of days, too … my hand is going to hurt but it’s going to be so worth it. A handwritten letter touches the soul and brings it to life unlike any Apple product or flat screen TV or wad of twenties ever will.

If you don’t know what to get someone important in your life, a letter from you will be the most special thing they could ever receive. If they don’t find your heart and effort absolutely magical then they’re probably not meant to be and if they ask, “Now where’s my real present?” Well, then I’m very sorry.

An iPod Touch or Burton riding jacket or shiny necklace or pile of presents will not be remembered in those moments at the end. Ever.

I promise.

Filed under: heart   |  10 Comments