the void
I’m not gonna lie. Seventeen days into not smoking and I’m struggling worse in this very moment than I was in those first trying 72 hours. So I’m going to write it out and see if it passes.
With quitting smoking – like with quitting anything you are addicted to – there becomes a void. The void is a dull emptiness, so you try and fill it with other things.
In my case, the void is filled with goodness. It’s filled with positive thinking … inner light … studying and practicing compassion, spirituality, human connectedness, kindness and understanding …showing and teaching my children beauty, patience and love … reading and watching movies … creating a clean, healthy and soul-warming environment for my family … taking time to shop well and cook well and eat well.
And it all fills the emptiness most of the time.
But there are times and moments when nothing fills the void and it’s a minute by minute struggle; a struggle in which I am not capable of anything but crying for no reason because all of a sudden I’m a stomping, arm crossing, pouting child thinking that it’s just not fair.
Minute by minute I fight the temptation to buy a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine, take a seat on my patio and smoke my brains out because I feel like the void would FINALLY be filled the way it’s meant to be.
Minute by minute I fight thoughts of no care if I harm myself and stink and am shunned by the non-smoking world forever and disappoint every person I know … that I would give just about anything to have a few more hours with the way it used to be.
Because that void is not so dull at the moment.
It’s just a big, gaping yearning and nothing in this world is filling it right now. It’s like, in this moment, I’ll put aside everything I’ve worked so hard to become and create. I’ll forget all notions about being peaceful and happy and making that for myself and I’ll sit here in this childish, no-fair void and let it consume me for just a few minutes before I snap out of it.
And I’ll snap out of it in a few minutes because I can not go back. I know and accept the fact that it’s not an option and never will be again.
Because I know that even if I could, it would be a temporary high and I’d be back at square one in a few weeks or months when I realize how damaging it is to my health, heart and bank account.
And because that way of life is over forever.
But no matter how many hours, days and weeks pass, it doesn’t seem to get easier accepting that it – the way things were – has expired.
I’m so sick of the void even being there. I want the emptiness to go away permanently and I don’t know how. That is what makes me cry; the possibility of living with that void – as dull as it may be or will eventually become – for the rest of my life.
I’m afraid that the wanting – the feeling of something missing even after I fill every inch of myself with goodness – will never fade completely. That no matter what, there might always be something I want but can not have because while it felt really good, it had no positive effect on my life or the lives of those around me; it brought pleasure – not happiness – like all addictions do.
So now I’m going to take the girls to the beach for a sunset and will try to fill the void with things that bring both pleasure and happiness: simple abundance, cold ocean air, the beauty of Earth, the wonder of life and my amazing children.
Filed under: heart, randomly | 9 Comments
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You are right about recovery from some addiction; the thought of stopping for your whole life is neither smart nor conducive to long-term recovery. So, just say you are going to NOT smoke this day. Or this hour, this minute. It really does work, and I know you can do it!
Tough tough thing to give up. Been there myself! Someone told me to buy cinnamon candies and that did help squash the urge a little. There is something in the cinnamon that satisfies part of the nicotine urge.
Hang in there. Seventeen days is really great progress!
What you described could apply to any kind of addiction, from food to alcohol and drugs. I know you’ve quit many times before, but I think that can make your resolve even stronger. You KNOW what it feels like, you know the defeated feeling of falling off the wagon and that can help you get through the next moment. Like Kori said, small goals turn into big goals. Good luck. I know you can do it.
It’s hard. Really hard. But you are stronger each day, even though you do not realize it.
Focusing on the girls is a great way to fill up that void and permanently erase it.
You are doing a wonderful thing and moving closer to your goals each and every day!
Stay strong.
but SEVENTEEN days… at 27, though the void may still be there and it might thoroughly suck ass just as badly- you can find some semblance of strength in knowing you’ve then gone 27 days. How awesome is that?
you should be proud of yourself…
you know what they say… breaking up is hard to do.
especially when you were in love.
but the relationship is over, and you kicked them to the curb. so you have to move up and over it.
and you will. 17 days is great progress… 18 is even better. you’ll stick with it this time because you see the big picture and you were ready for it.
Keep it up you will get there. They say the first three months are the toughest. Keep the big picture in mind. Find things that you love to do that help distract you. Eventually you won’t even miss the cigarettes. Visit our website for some other tips http://www.healthymonday.org/quit-and-stay-quit-monday/
You are a stronger person than me Jen, because after my damn near mental breakdown over the presidential election, and returning to smoking after 7 1/2 months of quiting cold turkey without a lapse – I have absolutely no desire to quit again. Bad for me I know, but I also know that right now, I am just not in a good place to try to quit.
You are a stronger and better person than me Jen, because after my return to smoking after my near mental breakdown following the presidential election – after 7 1/2 months of no smoking, quiting cold turkey, and not one single lapse – I am still no where near a place in my life where I feel strong enough that I could make it through quitting. At least you are trying, which is a hellofalot more than I can say for myself. Keep it up – you will succeed!