Sketchy

09Jul09

Sketchy:

1) someone or something that just isn’t right.
2) the feeling you get the morning after using a lot of drugs, most commonly associated with Ecstasy.
3) something unsafe.
4) someone or something that gives off a bad feeling.

I feel sketchy as of late. I’m not sure what it is, but the waters are not flowing smoothly like the normal bubbling brooks and gentle creeks of my life. Heh.

Weird thing is, everything seems good when I look around.

There may be a little feeling that I can’t handle my job anymore. I LOVE my career, don’t get me wrong. For someone who sits at an desk with a city/Mt. Baker view, knows fancy law and accounting and has seven years under her belt – actually HAS a job with benefits and good pay – I should be grateful.

But I’m not. I’m resentful that though my working status went from 5 days to 3, my workload hasn’t been delegated and I’m still doing the exact same amount of work in fifteen less hours per week.

There are a lot of office politics I won’t get into here, but this was the kicker:

My daughters daycare centre changed their hours so closing time is 5:30pm instead of 6. In normal circumstances, I leave my office at 4:30pm and I’m inside their classroom at 5:25pm – over 30 minutes early.

Last Friday was our first day on new hours. The train goes, the train stops. For 10 minutes. And then slowly starts again and picks up just enough speed so that I could run alongside it faster if I wanted, and stops. This happened at every crossing. Maybe 4/5 times.

I was angry at myself. It would be the first time ever I didn’t pick up my girls on time. Even though it wasn’t my fault, I felt like a shitty mom. What kid actually likes being the last one standing for anything?

Regardless, I never want that to be my kids.

But it was. Not to mention, my daycare centre charges $1/min after 5:30. But it’s not the money I cared about, it was imagining all of the other moms and dads come to pick up their little ones and Callie and Lily turning around excitedly each time they heard the door open, expecting me.

Anyway, they were fine. My charge was waived off as a warning because it was my first time.

So on Monday, I told my office manager that I’d have to leave at 4pm now in order to give room for potential train delays. Of course, that means I’d start earlier – which sucks for me because I’m not a 5am type morning person unless there’s a really good reason to be waking then. Working is not one of them. But I returned to work with a flexibility guarantee.

And she says, “Did you tell your daycare that you’re not on summer hours?”

Ummmmmmmm???

And then, “I’m going to write a letter to your daycare manager telling her it’s not going to work”

Whhhaaaaaaaaa???

Fuck off.

I’m sorry, but I’m not ten years old in need of a note, I’m a mother. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you want I’m doing. My children come first, period.

I’m tired. Even at part-time, I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of how shitty the economy is and how busy we (I) are (am). I’m tired of the commute, tired of the corporate ladder, tired of office politics, tired of miserable, stuffy people.

I’m going to look for a new job somewhere in my city, near my home and daycare. I don’t care what it is either, as long as it keeps me social and my mind fresh. Even if stay-at-home mom was an option, I can’t do it again. Ever. It’s a little known fact, when I get bored I get dangerous.

I’m pretty much 100% sure at this point, that I’m going to put my career on hold for two years and hope for the best when I try to make a comeback. Luckily, I have a good reputation within the industry, contacts and solid references. I’m not worried about my career. Hell, it might even be cool to go back to school and change careers completely.

I’m not really sketchy about that anyway, I just wanted to get it out…but there is something else.

Something else feels weird and I don’t know what. Something is off somewhere in the universe and it’s throwing me all out of balance. Don’t you hate that? When you know something isn’t right, like a sixth sense kicks in, but you don’t know whether to go with it or shake it off?

Yeah, me too.

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